1 00:02:23,093 --> 00:02:27,769 Manhattan Island derives its name from its earliest inhabitants... 2 00:02:28,013 --> 00:02:30,288 ...the Manhattan Indians. 3 00:02:30,533 --> 00:02:35,163 They were a peaceful tribe, setting traps, fishing, hunting. 4 00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:37,802 There was a custom among them: 5 00:02:38,053 --> 00:02:41,489 Every July, when the heat became unbearable... 6 00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:45,248 ...they would send their wives and children away. 7 00:02:45,493 --> 00:02:47,563 Up the river to the highlands... 8 00:02:47,813 --> 00:02:51,726 ...or, if they could afford it, to the seashore. 9 00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:56,285 The husbands remained behind to attend to business: 10 00:02:56,533 --> 00:03:00,845 Setting traps, fishing and hunting. 11 00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:10,645 Our story has nothing whatsoever to do with Indians. 12 00:03:10,893 --> 00:03:14,169 It plays 500 years later. 13 00:03:14,413 --> 00:03:19,362 Portland, Rockland, Plymouth and Bar Harbor. 14 00:03:19,573 --> 00:03:21,370 Departing at 6:30... 15 00:03:21,613 --> 00:03:25,731 We brought up the subject to show how nothing has changed. 16 00:03:25,933 --> 00:03:29,608 Manhattan wives and children are still sent away in the summer. 17 00:03:29,813 --> 00:03:32,930 Husbands remain behind to attend to business: 18 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:36,045 Setting traps, fishing and hunting. 19 00:03:36,293 --> 00:03:40,571 We want you to meet a typical Manhattan husband. 20 00:03:40,813 --> 00:03:46,365 This is Mr. Richard Sherman, his wife, Helen, and son, Ricky. 21 00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,442 Ricky, what are you doing? 22 00:03:49,693 --> 00:03:53,447 He's an interplanetary spy. I blasted him into dust. 23 00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:57,925 Cut it out. You're going to Maine, not to Mars. Goodbye, Helen. 24 00:03:58,173 --> 00:04:01,722 -Goodbye, Richard. -Why can't Daddy come up with us? 25 00:04:01,973 --> 00:04:06,649 -Daddy has to stay and make money. -Don't worry. I'll be fine. 26 00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:10,852 -How will I get my allowance? -I'll mail it to you. 27 00:04:11,093 --> 00:04:14,688 You promised to eat properly and not smoke. 28 00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:18,084 And you promised not to drink. 29 00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:21,450 -I'll call you tonight at 10. -Goodbye, Helen. 30 00:04:21,693 --> 00:04:25,606 Goodbye, Ricky. Let me kiss you. 31 00:04:25,813 --> 00:04:29,203 -Take that thing off. -He's shutting off my oxygen! 32 00:04:29,453 --> 00:04:31,762 Come on, we'll miss the train. 33 00:04:35,653 --> 00:04:39,168 Helen, Ricky, the paddle! You forgot the paddle! 34 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:43,042 -Ticket, mister? -My son forgot the paddle. 35 00:04:43,293 --> 00:04:48,447 Sorry, only those holding tickets admitted through the gates. 36 00:05:00,253 --> 00:05:03,370 Oh, no, not me. 37 00:05:03,853 --> 00:05:05,923 And I'm not gonna smoke either. 38 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:11,167 Look at them. Awful. The train isn't even out of the station. 39 00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:15,762 Gotta get back to the office. Man, is this hot! 40 00:05:17,093 --> 00:05:20,005 A few more facts about Mr. Sherman: 41 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:23,051 He works for a publishing firm, Brady and Company. 42 00:05:23,293 --> 00:05:27,809 They publish those pocket editions, two bits in any drugstore. 43 00:05:28,053 --> 00:05:32,763 Old Mr. Brady is the boss, but Mr. Sherman is the key man. 44 00:05:33,013 --> 00:05:35,481 He keeps the whole operation together. 45 00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:38,770 In the 25-cent book business, you can sell anything. 46 00:05:39,013 --> 00:05:41,607 Even the old, dreary classics. 47 00:05:41,853 --> 00:05:44,413 The trick is to soup up the title... 48 00:05:44,653 --> 00:05:47,725 ...and get an interesting cover. 49 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:51,045 It's all a question of imagination... 50 00:05:51,253 --> 00:05:54,563 ...and Mr. Sherman has a lot of imagination. 51 00:05:57,893 --> 00:06:00,168 That'll be all, Miss Morris. 52 00:06:02,773 --> 00:06:06,766 Oh, no, not me. Not me. 53 00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:10,763 And I'm not gonna smoke either. 54 00:06:11,493 --> 00:06:15,327 Some husbands run wild because their wives are away. 55 00:06:15,573 --> 00:06:17,609 Do anything they want. 56 00:06:17,853 --> 00:06:20,890 Like Charlie Lederer. Annie was gone two days... 57 00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,522 ...when Charlie got himself tattooed. 58 00:06:23,773 --> 00:06:27,288 Green dragon on his chest, butterfly on the shoulders. 59 00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:30,969 Not me. Oh, no, work, work... 60 00:06:31,653 --> 00:06:35,532 I'll work till 6, then have dinner at the saloon... 61 00:06:35,773 --> 00:06:39,732 No! No saloon, no drinking like Dr. Summers said. 62 00:06:39,973 --> 00:06:43,648 I know, I'll try that vegetarian restaurant. 63 00:06:43,893 --> 00:06:46,168 Health food, that's the stuff. 64 00:06:46,413 --> 00:06:49,962 The human body is a very delicate machine. 65 00:06:50,213 --> 00:06:52,886 You can't run it on martinis and goulash. 66 00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:55,363 Especially in this hot weather. 67 00:06:56,493 --> 00:07:00,566 -Miss, may I have the check, please? -Yes, sir. 68 00:07:00,813 --> 00:07:04,965 Let's see. We had the special, the soybean hamburger... 69 00:07:05,213 --> 00:07:06,931 ...with French-fried soybeans. 70 00:07:07,173 --> 00:07:09,767 Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea. 71 00:07:10,373 --> 00:07:12,011 I had a cocktail to start. 72 00:07:12,253 --> 00:07:15,723 Yes, we had the sauerkraut juice on the rocks. 73 00:07:15,973 --> 00:07:20,410 You'll be proud to know that the meal was only 260 calories. 74 00:07:20,653 --> 00:07:22,132 I am proud. 75 00:07:22,373 --> 00:07:25,683 That'll be $1 .27. 76 00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:29,289 -Keep the change. -We don't permit tipping. 77 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,093 I can put it in our nudist camp fund. 78 00:07:32,333 --> 00:07:34,403 -You do that. -Oh, thank you, sir. 79 00:07:34,653 --> 00:07:39,010 It's a worthy cause. We must bring the message to the people. 80 00:07:39,253 --> 00:07:44,043 To unmask our suffocating bodies and let them breathe again. 81 00:07:44,293 --> 00:07:48,684 Without clothes there'd be no sickness and no war. 82 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:52,642 Can you imagine two armies on the battlefield... 83 00:07:52,893 --> 00:07:55,088 ...no uniforms, completely nude? 84 00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:59,849 No way of telling friend from foe, all brothers together. 85 00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:03,972 Just a moment, sir. You forgot your paddle. 86 00:08:05,373 --> 00:08:06,772 Thank you. 87 00:08:20,013 --> 00:08:21,685 I like this house. 88 00:08:21,893 --> 00:08:25,044 Why does Helen want to move into one of those... 89 00:08:25,253 --> 00:08:28,006 ...buildings out of Riot in Cellblock 11? 90 00:08:28,213 --> 00:08:31,046 So much nicer here. Just three apartments. 91 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:33,124 Ours, Kaufmans upstairs... 92 00:08:33,373 --> 00:08:38,163 ...and two guys on the top, interior decorators or something. 93 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:53,811 It's peaceful with everybody gone. Sure is peaceful. 94 00:08:54,053 --> 00:08:57,443 No Howdy Doody. No Captain Video. 95 00:08:57,693 --> 00:09:01,732 No smell of cooking. No "What happened at the office?" 96 00:09:01,973 --> 00:09:06,569 I shot Mr. Brady in the head, made violent love to Miss Morris... 97 00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:12,570 ...and set fire to 300,000 copies of Little Women. That's what happened. 98 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:18,802 What can happen at the office? It sure is peaceful. 99 00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:27,168 "Use the opener, Richard." 100 00:09:40,653 --> 00:09:43,725 "Carbonated water, citric acid, corn syrup... 101 00:09:43,973 --> 00:09:46,328 ...artificial raspberry flavoring... 102 00:09:46,573 --> 00:09:49,406 ...vegetable colors and preservative." 103 00:09:49,653 --> 00:09:53,009 Why is this stuff better for you... 104 00:09:53,253 --> 00:09:56,131 ...than a little scotch and a twist of lemon? 105 00:09:56,373 --> 00:09:58,170 I'd really like to know. 106 00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:02,171 Helen's gonna call at 10. 107 00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:05,691 I guess I better do a little reading. 108 00:10:05,933 --> 00:10:09,448 I brought Dr. Brubaker's manuscript home with me... 109 00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:17,809 Ricky! 110 00:10:18,053 --> 00:10:22,843 Okay, where is it? Where is the other one? 111 00:10:23,093 --> 00:10:26,324 I know it's lurking here somewhere to get me. 112 00:10:26,573 --> 00:10:29,690 Where is Captain Video's other roller skate? 113 00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:34,971 Now, who's that? 114 00:10:49,813 --> 00:10:52,805 -Yes, what is it? -I'm sorry to bother you. 115 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:56,409 I forgot my key, so I had to ring your bell. 116 00:10:57,573 --> 00:10:59,564 It's perfectly all right. 117 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:04,767 Anytime. Anything else I can do for you? 118 00:11:04,973 --> 00:11:07,282 Would you mind pressing it again? 119 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,842 My fan's caught in the door. 120 00:11:10,093 --> 00:11:12,971 Oh, of course. 121 00:11:13,973 --> 00:11:16,441 -Thanks. -Do you live in our building? 122 00:11:16,693 --> 00:11:20,288 In the Kaufmans' apartment. They're in Europe. 123 00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:24,890 I know you'll be happy here. It's a very quiet building. 124 00:11:25,133 --> 00:11:28,443 No dogs, no children, just two interior decorators. 125 00:11:28,693 --> 00:11:30,763 And you, and of course, me. 126 00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:35,923 -You all right? -Oh, sure, fine. 127 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,572 Well, good night. 128 00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:40,566 Good night. 129 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,164 Well, now. 130 00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:55,928 Maybe I should have asked her in for a drink. 131 00:11:56,173 --> 00:12:00,485 Make her feel at home. After all, we're one big family here. 132 00:12:04,053 --> 00:12:05,771 Oh, no, no. 133 00:12:27,053 --> 00:12:30,932 I've got to get to work on the Brubaker book. 134 00:12:31,173 --> 00:12:34,643 I'm gonna talk to him about it tomorrow, so I better. 135 00:12:34,893 --> 00:12:38,966 Of Man and the Unconscious, by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker. 136 00:12:39,213 --> 00:12:40,282 Some title. 137 00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:44,526 We'll have to soup this one up, that's for sure. 138 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,764 Ten o'clock. 139 00:12:53,213 --> 00:12:56,364 Helen's not gonna call till 10:00. 140 00:12:56,693 --> 00:13:00,766 I hope this thing keeps me awake till 10:00. 141 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,728 Chapter three: 142 00:13:04,973 --> 00:13:07,965 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. 143 00:13:08,173 --> 00:13:10,767 Its Roots and lts Consequences." 144 00:13:12,253 --> 00:13:15,086 Helen has a lot of nerve calling me at 10:00. 145 00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:18,245 It shows a definite lack of trust. 146 00:13:18,573 --> 00:13:23,089 What does she think I'm gonna do? Start smoking? Get drunk? 147 00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:27,963 Or tattooed? Charlie... Big, green dragon. 148 00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:32,010 I bet she thinks I'll have girls up here. 149 00:13:32,253 --> 00:13:33,766 That's terrible. 150 00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:38,723 Seven years we've been married. I've never done anything like that. 151 00:13:38,973 --> 00:13:43,888 Don't think I couldn't have either. Because I could have, plenty. 152 00:13:45,333 --> 00:13:47,164 Plenty. 153 00:13:50,733 --> 00:13:52,485 Don't laugh, Helen. 154 00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:56,089 I happen to be very attractive to women. 155 00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:59,530 You're attractive to me, but I'm used to you. 156 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:03,049 This isn't a thing one likes to tell his wife... 157 00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:08,367 ...but women have been throwing themselves at me for years. 158 00:14:08,653 --> 00:14:12,407 That's right, beautiful ones, plenty of them. 159 00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:15,964 -Acres and acres of them. -Name one. 160 00:14:16,213 --> 00:14:20,764 It's hard just offhand, but there have been plenty of them. 161 00:14:21,173 --> 00:14:24,802 You asked for it. Take my secretary, for instance. 162 00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:29,683 To you, she's just Miss Morris, a piece of office furniture. 163 00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:32,003 Ten fingers to type my letters. 164 00:14:32,253 --> 00:14:34,767 Well, let me tell you. 165 00:14:35,253 --> 00:14:38,131 -Did you type this letter? -Yes, Mr. Sherman. 166 00:14:38,373 --> 00:14:41,683 There are six errors in the first paragraph. 167 00:14:41,933 --> 00:14:43,969 What is the matter with you? 168 00:14:44,213 --> 00:14:48,604 -What's the matter with you? -I'll tell you what's the matter. 169 00:14:48,853 --> 00:14:53,449 I'm in love with you. I have been since the day I came here. 170 00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:57,242 Deeply, madly, desperately, all-consumingly. 171 00:14:57,493 --> 00:15:00,849 And to you I'm nothing, just a piece of furniture. 172 00:15:01,093 --> 00:15:03,732 Ten fingers to type your letters with. 173 00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:08,649 Mr. Sherman, take a look at me. I'm a woman, do you hear? 174 00:15:08,893 --> 00:15:11,726 With flesh and blood and nerves and feelings! 175 00:15:11,973 --> 00:15:17,127 I'm in love with you. I need you, I want you. I want you... 176 00:15:22,613 --> 00:15:24,968 That will be all, Miss Morris. 177 00:15:37,013 --> 00:15:41,928 You remember that torn shirt, Helen? Now you know how it happened. 178 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:48,453 It got torn at the laundry, that's how it happened. What an imagination! 179 00:15:49,053 --> 00:15:51,772 You don't realize this about women and me: 180 00:15:52,013 --> 00:15:54,607 I walk into a room and they sense it. 181 00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:58,163 I arouse something in them, I bother them. 182 00:15:58,413 --> 00:16:02,770 It's a kind of animal thing I've got. It's quite extraordinary. 183 00:16:03,013 --> 00:16:06,164 The only extraordinary thing is your imagination. 184 00:16:06,413 --> 00:16:09,485 Last winter when I had my appendix out... 185 00:16:09,693 --> 00:16:11,888 ...do you remember the nurse? 186 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:16,046 That sweet, little old lady with the gray hair? 187 00:16:16,293 --> 00:16:18,409 That was the day nurse. 188 00:16:18,653 --> 00:16:23,488 You never saw the night nurse, a certain Miss Finch. 189 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:28,011 Poor Miss Finch. She fought it as long as she could. 190 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:31,450 -But then one night... -Richard! 191 00:16:31,693 --> 00:16:35,163 Miss Finch, please, not again tonight. 192 00:16:37,093 --> 00:16:39,129 We have so little time. 193 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:44,367 Soon they'll take out your stitches and I'll have lost you forever. 194 00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:49,685 Please, Miss Finch. There is such a thing as ethics. 195 00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:52,811 Remember, you are a registered nurse. 196 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:58,173 Ethics? Once I had ethics. Once I was young. 197 00:16:58,413 --> 00:17:03,089 Once I had ideals. I was registered! And then you happened. 198 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:07,849 Miss Finch, for five nights now you've been taking my pulse. 199 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:11,927 Have you never noticed this simple band of gold? 200 00:17:12,173 --> 00:17:17,327 You've bothered me since they wheeled you into the operating room. 201 00:17:17,573 --> 00:17:22,169 I can't understand it. There's this animal thing about you. 202 00:17:24,013 --> 00:17:26,368 Please, Miss Finch, my adhesions. 203 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:30,208 Let's crash out of here. Let's steal an ambulance. 204 00:17:30,453 --> 00:17:34,162 You're not fit to wear that uniform. 205 00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:36,563 You're rotten to the core. 206 00:17:37,733 --> 00:17:41,567 Beat me till your arms ache. 207 00:17:41,813 --> 00:17:44,805 I'll only come crawling back for more. 208 00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:48,529 You're forcing me to take measures... 209 00:17:48,773 --> 00:17:50,764 ...to protect you from yourself. 210 00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:58,564 No, no! 211 00:17:58,813 --> 00:18:02,362 Put me down! Put me down! 212 00:18:09,573 --> 00:18:12,531 The moth and the flame, that's what it was. 213 00:18:12,773 --> 00:18:17,164 Poor Miss Finch. I hope I didn't singe her wings too badly. 214 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:21,122 You read too many books and see too many movies. 215 00:18:23,053 --> 00:18:28,173 For instance, take Elaine. Your best friend, your bridesmaid. 216 00:18:28,413 --> 00:18:32,372 Let me tell you about that weekend in Westport last summer. 217 00:18:32,613 --> 00:18:36,162 You were playing canasta, suspecting nothing. 218 00:18:36,413 --> 00:18:39,485 Elaine and I went for a walk. Walk! 219 00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:43,567 We went swimming, moonlight swimming. 220 00:18:54,093 --> 00:18:59,121 What is this strange animal thing you have? It bothers me. 221 00:18:59,373 --> 00:19:02,683 It's bothered me since the first time I saw you. 222 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:07,165 And it'll bother me always, from here to eternity. 223 00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:18,043 You must fight it, Elaine. Remember, I belong to another. 224 00:19:18,293 --> 00:19:19,408 Richard! 225 00:19:19,653 --> 00:19:24,773 This can never be. I have a devoted, trusting wife at home. 226 00:19:25,013 --> 00:19:28,801 And a freckle-faced little space cadet. 227 00:19:29,373 --> 00:19:31,364 Richard! 228 00:19:48,213 --> 00:19:51,683 So, Helen, in light of the circumstances... 229 00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:55,005 ...I resent your calling to check up on me. 230 00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:56,971 Don't worry about me. 231 00:19:57,213 --> 00:20:01,286 Although I have tremendous personal magnetism... 232 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,172 ...I also have strength of character. 233 00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,722 And tremendous imagination. 234 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:12,172 You've begun to imagine it Cinemascope, with stereophonic sound. 235 00:20:14,653 --> 00:20:15,972 Well... 236 00:20:17,213 --> 00:20:18,566 ...back to work. 237 00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,369 Chapter three: 238 00:20:23,173 --> 00:20:28,850 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. Its Roots and lts Consequences." 239 00:20:31,533 --> 00:20:35,048 Helen is worried. I just know she is. 240 00:20:35,293 --> 00:20:37,853 She plays it cool, but she can't fool me. 241 00:20:38,093 --> 00:20:41,881 Why else would she call in the middle of the night? 242 00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:46,684 She probably figures she isn't as young as she was. She's 31 . 243 00:20:46,933 --> 00:20:50,608 One day she'll wake up and find her looks are gone. 244 00:20:50,853 --> 00:20:52,809 No wonder she's worried. 245 00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:56,284 I don't look different than I did when I was 28. 246 00:20:56,533 --> 00:21:00,367 It's not my fault, it's just a simple biological fact. 247 00:21:00,613 --> 00:21:02,922 Women age quicker than men. 248 00:21:03,173 --> 00:21:08,042 I won't look different when I'm 60. I have that kind of a face. 249 00:21:08,293 --> 00:21:11,365 Everybody'll think she's my mother. 250 00:21:20,453 --> 00:21:21,966 Hello, Mother? 251 00:21:22,373 --> 00:21:24,284 Oh, Helen! 252 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:28,685 I wasn't expecting you to call till 10. Everything all right? 253 00:21:28,933 --> 00:21:33,449 Everything's fine here. Seems pretty empty without you, though. 254 00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:36,412 Just sitting out on the terrace... 255 00:21:36,653 --> 00:21:40,407 ...drinking, getting fractured on raspberry soda. 256 00:21:41,773 --> 00:21:45,083 Little Ricky okay? Oh, he did? 257 00:21:45,333 --> 00:21:48,962 He hasn't done that for a long time. It's the excitement. 258 00:21:50,213 --> 00:21:51,965 That's nice. 259 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:58,567 Who did you meet on the train? Tom MacKenzie? 260 00:21:59,013 --> 00:22:00,969 What's he doing up there? 261 00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:05,170 My advice is to avoid Tom like the plague. 262 00:22:05,413 --> 00:22:08,610 I don't want him carrying Ricky's kayak. 263 00:22:08,853 --> 00:22:12,209 If anybody carries Ricky's kayak, it's gonna be you. 264 00:22:12,453 --> 00:22:14,171 How's the weather? Cool? 265 00:22:15,093 --> 00:22:18,881 It's steaming here, like an oven. 266 00:22:19,253 --> 00:22:22,051 Yeah, I'm pretty tired myself. 267 00:22:22,453 --> 00:22:25,172 Night. Good night, darling. 268 00:22:31,453 --> 00:22:33,489 Chapter three: 269 00:22:33,733 --> 00:22:36,611 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. 270 00:22:36,853 --> 00:22:40,448 Its Roots and lts Consequences." 271 00:22:41,533 --> 00:22:45,970 Maybe a twist of lemon would help this, or a shot of Worcestershire. 272 00:23:01,453 --> 00:23:04,968 Hey, what's the big idea?! You wanna kill somebody? 273 00:23:05,573 --> 00:23:09,532 -What's the matter? -This great cast-iron pot... 274 00:23:09,773 --> 00:23:11,729 ...practically killed me. 275 00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:15,522 Oh, it's you. Well, hello again. 276 00:23:15,773 --> 00:23:19,004 What happened? Oh, the tomato plant fell over! 277 00:23:19,253 --> 00:23:20,402 It sure did. 278 00:23:20,653 --> 00:23:23,372 -I'm terribly sorry. -lt's nothing. 279 00:23:23,613 --> 00:23:25,729 Look at that poor chair! 280 00:23:25,973 --> 00:23:29,727 I'll pay for it. I hope it's not some priceless antique. 281 00:23:30,013 --> 00:23:34,882 -lt's just early Sears, Roebuck. -lf there's anything I can do... 282 00:23:35,133 --> 00:23:38,569 Do what? There's nothing to worry about. 283 00:23:38,813 --> 00:23:42,931 I'm certainly glad you're not mad. Now don't touch it. 284 00:23:43,173 --> 00:23:45,562 I'll have the janitor come down... 285 00:23:45,813 --> 00:23:48,611 ...and take care of it. Good night. 286 00:23:48,853 --> 00:23:50,969 -Hey there! Wait a minute. -Yes? 287 00:23:51,213 --> 00:23:53,932 I'll tell you one thing you could do. 288 00:23:54,173 --> 00:23:57,449 If you're not doing anything else more important. 289 00:23:57,693 --> 00:24:00,253 Would you have a drink with me? 290 00:24:00,653 --> 00:24:03,372 -Thanks, I'd love it. -You would? 291 00:24:03,573 --> 00:24:04,847 Sure, it'd be fun. 292 00:24:05,093 --> 00:24:10,167 Let me just go and put something on. I get dressed in the kitchen. 293 00:24:10,413 --> 00:24:15,123 When it's hot like this, I keep my undies in the icebox. 294 00:24:16,173 --> 00:24:19,131 -ln the icebox? -See you in a minute. 295 00:24:21,773 --> 00:24:25,004 In the icebox! 296 00:24:58,093 --> 00:25:01,563 I really need it, Dr. Murphy. Honest I do. 297 00:25:04,373 --> 00:25:07,968 Don't worry, Dr. Murphy. Just one, that's all. 298 00:25:20,613 --> 00:25:24,492 All those lovely injurious tars and resins. 299 00:25:24,733 --> 00:25:28,009 And now a small concession from Dr. Summers? 300 00:25:39,853 --> 00:25:44,324 Doctor, let's be reasonable. Can't fly on one wing. 301 00:25:44,573 --> 00:25:47,451 Okay, I'll put some soda in it. 302 00:25:56,333 --> 00:25:59,769 "Do you want to come in for a drink?" "I'd love it." 303 00:26:00,013 --> 00:26:01,571 Just like that. 304 00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:08,123 A beautiful girl too. Must be a model or actress. 305 00:26:26,733 --> 00:26:30,089 Atmosphere. I need a little atmosphere. 306 00:26:33,653 --> 00:26:35,769 Tomato plant. 307 00:26:36,373 --> 00:26:38,648 Fan caught in the door. 308 00:26:41,693 --> 00:26:45,163 What am I doing? This is absolutely ridiculous. 309 00:26:45,413 --> 00:26:49,611 The first night Helen leaves, I'm bringing dames in here. 310 00:26:58,853 --> 00:26:59,842 Take it easy. 311 00:27:00,053 --> 00:27:05,252 There's nothing wrong with asking a neighbor down for a drink. 312 00:27:05,853 --> 00:27:08,413 I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. 313 00:27:08,653 --> 00:27:13,408 If this dame thinks she's in for a big time, she's in for a surprise. 314 00:27:13,653 --> 00:27:17,043 One drink and out! I'm a happily married man. 315 00:27:17,613 --> 00:27:19,763 Maybe a little soft music. 316 00:27:21,093 --> 00:27:23,561 She's probably getting all fixed up. 317 00:27:23,813 --> 00:27:27,647 She'll probably wear some ice-cold evening dress. 318 00:27:27,893 --> 00:27:33,013 Let's see. Debussy, Ravel. 319 00:27:33,253 --> 00:27:37,166 Stravinsky. Stravinsky'd only scare her. 320 00:27:38,173 --> 00:27:42,007 Here's the baby, Rachmaninoff. Give her the full treatment. 321 00:27:42,213 --> 00:27:44,363 Come in like gangbusters. 322 00:27:51,693 --> 00:27:52,967 Good old Rachmaninoff. 323 00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:57,252 The Second Piano Concerto. Never misses. 324 00:28:26,773 --> 00:28:30,004 You came. I'm so glad. 325 00:28:33,653 --> 00:28:38,169 -Rachmaninoff. -The Second Piano Concerto. 326 00:28:38,493 --> 00:28:42,168 -lt isn't fair. -Not fair? Why? 327 00:28:42,853 --> 00:28:46,402 -Every time I hear it, I go to pieces. -Oh? 328 00:28:49,613 --> 00:28:51,763 May I sit next to you? 329 00:28:53,453 --> 00:28:55,171 Please do. 330 00:29:17,453 --> 00:29:20,172 It shakes me, it quakes me. 331 00:29:20,373 --> 00:29:23,012 It makes me goose-pimply all over. 332 00:29:23,253 --> 00:29:28,043 I don't know where I am, or who I am, or what I'm doing. 333 00:29:28,293 --> 00:29:33,048 Don't stop, don't stop. Don't ever stop. 334 00:29:34,653 --> 00:29:38,885 -Why did you stop? -You know why I stopped. 335 00:29:39,133 --> 00:29:42,045 -Why? -Because. 336 00:29:42,293 --> 00:29:45,490 Because now I'm going to kiss you... 337 00:29:45,733 --> 00:29:48,372 ...very quickly and very hard. 338 00:30:09,533 --> 00:30:11,364 One moment, my dear. 339 00:30:16,413 --> 00:30:17,971 You came. 340 00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:21,412 Yeah, I came for the rugs. 341 00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:24,121 The rugs? What is it you want? 342 00:30:24,373 --> 00:30:27,126 The bedroom rugs. I promised Mrs. Sherman. 343 00:30:27,373 --> 00:30:28,328 Mr. Kruhulik... 344 00:30:28,573 --> 00:30:31,929 -lt's on account of the moths. -Forget the rugs. 345 00:30:32,173 --> 00:30:36,371 Your wife is gonna find them full of big, gaping holes. 346 00:30:36,613 --> 00:30:39,002 Who'll get blamed? The janitor. 347 00:30:39,253 --> 00:30:42,768 Pick them up tomorrow while I'm at the office. 348 00:30:43,013 --> 00:30:47,882 I can't. I'm taking the missus and the kids to the train. 349 00:30:48,133 --> 00:30:52,923 -They're going to the country. -All right, in the afternoon then. 350 00:30:53,173 --> 00:30:58,293 I can't do it then. I'm going to the barber in the afternoon. 351 00:30:58,533 --> 00:31:03,448 I'm gonna take a shave, haircut, manicure, the whole works. 352 00:31:03,693 --> 00:31:07,971 I couldn't care less. Come tomorrow evening, just not now. 353 00:31:08,213 --> 00:31:13,082 Tomorrow evening? Do you know the maid from 531 Park? 354 00:31:13,333 --> 00:31:17,929 You must've seen her walking down the street with her fat poodle. 355 00:31:18,133 --> 00:31:19,486 What? 356 00:31:19,693 --> 00:31:24,289 Come now, we're both summer bachelors. Don't let's be naive. 357 00:31:24,533 --> 00:31:26,330 Good night, Mr. Kruhulik! 358 00:31:27,373 --> 00:31:30,843 Big, fat poodle! He's got four kids. 359 00:31:31,093 --> 00:31:35,450 Something happens to people in the summer. It's disgraceful. 360 00:31:35,853 --> 00:31:40,404 It's late. Where is she? This is ridiculous. 361 00:31:40,653 --> 00:31:44,771 She could've been here, had her drink and gone home already. 362 00:31:45,013 --> 00:31:46,924 Ice, we'll need ice. 363 00:31:51,573 --> 00:31:52,926 Coming! 364 00:32:04,933 --> 00:32:06,332 Coming, coming! 365 00:32:11,413 --> 00:32:12,732 Hi! 366 00:32:13,213 --> 00:32:15,363 It's me. Don't you remember? 367 00:32:15,613 --> 00:32:17,569 The tomato from upstairs. 368 00:32:17,813 --> 00:32:20,930 Of course, the tomato. Come in, please. 369 00:32:21,173 --> 00:32:23,733 Honestly, I don't know how it happened. 370 00:32:23,973 --> 00:32:27,886 I was watering the plants. I promised the Kaufmans I would. 371 00:32:28,133 --> 00:32:32,206 I was using the cocktail shaker. It's the only thing I found. 372 00:32:32,453 --> 00:32:37,049 A little silver one. Then there was this terrible crash. 373 00:32:37,293 --> 00:32:41,969 You could've been killed. It's probably criminal negligence. 374 00:32:42,213 --> 00:32:45,285 You could've sued somebody. Me, probably. 375 00:32:45,533 --> 00:32:49,970 Well, not you. You'd have been dead. Your lawyers could have. 376 00:32:50,213 --> 00:32:53,364 Case dismissed. What would you like to drink? 377 00:32:53,613 --> 00:32:58,129 I don't know. Anything. You have a nice place here. 378 00:32:58,373 --> 00:33:02,571 -You live here alone? -Yes, I live here alone. All alone. 379 00:33:04,693 --> 00:33:08,527 -lt's a roller skate. Mine, you know. -Yours? 380 00:33:08,773 --> 00:33:13,642 It's adjustable. I skate a lot. What would you like to drink? 381 00:33:13,893 --> 00:33:17,044 -You do drink? -Sure, I drink like a fish. 382 00:33:17,293 --> 00:33:21,206 -Do you have gin? -Of course. You mean straight gin? 383 00:33:21,453 --> 00:33:24,923 No, gin and soda, I guess. 384 00:33:25,173 --> 00:33:29,963 -Gin and soda? -That's wrong. How do you drink gin? 385 00:33:30,213 --> 00:33:35,128 There's gin and tonic, and gin and vermouth, that's a martini. 386 00:33:35,373 --> 00:33:40,128 That sounds cool. I'll have a glass of that. A big, tall one. 387 00:33:41,893 --> 00:33:44,327 Big, tall martini. 388 00:33:57,013 --> 00:34:00,244 This is a nicer apartment than the Kaufmans' . 389 00:34:00,493 --> 00:34:03,326 For instance, the Kaufmans have no stairs. 390 00:34:04,053 --> 00:34:07,602 -Hey, where do they lead to? -No place. 391 00:34:07,853 --> 00:34:12,529 No place? A stairway to nowhere. That's elegant. 392 00:34:12,773 --> 00:34:17,244 I wouldn't say elegant. You see, this used to be a duplex. 393 00:34:17,493 --> 00:34:22,647 The landlord made two apartments out of it by boarding up your floor. 394 00:34:23,453 --> 00:34:26,968 Oh, yes, I remember that patch in the floor. 395 00:34:27,213 --> 00:34:29,932 I dropped my cuticle pusher down the crack. 396 00:34:30,173 --> 00:34:32,289 Cuticle pusher. Yeah. 397 00:34:32,533 --> 00:34:36,287 Well, here you are. Big, tall martini. 398 00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:39,650 -Thanks. -You're welcome. 399 00:34:41,333 --> 00:34:43,972 Very good. Maybe it needs a bit more sugar. 400 00:34:44,213 --> 00:34:47,842 I'd strongly advise against putting sugar in a martini. 401 00:34:48,093 --> 00:34:51,130 -You would? Why? -Well... 402 00:34:51,613 --> 00:34:55,003 Take my word for it. No sugar in a martini. 403 00:34:55,253 --> 00:34:58,290 Back home they put sugar in martinis. 404 00:34:58,533 --> 00:35:02,526 -Back home? Where? -Denver, Colorado. 405 00:35:02,853 --> 00:35:05,526 Hey, you've got air conditioning! 406 00:35:06,493 --> 00:35:09,485 -How does it work? Put it on. -Sure! 407 00:35:09,813 --> 00:35:14,125 I got air conditioning in every room. Don't the Kaufmans? 408 00:35:14,373 --> 00:35:19,652 No, it's just terrible up there. That's why I bought the electric fan. 409 00:35:20,573 --> 00:35:25,169 This feels just elegant. I'm just not made for the heat. 410 00:35:25,413 --> 00:35:28,928 It's my first summer in New York, and it's killing me. 411 00:35:29,173 --> 00:35:32,768 Yesterday, I tried to sleep in the bathtub. 412 00:35:33,013 --> 00:35:35,607 Just lying up to my neck in cold water. 413 00:35:35,853 --> 00:35:37,286 Good idea. 414 00:35:37,533 --> 00:35:42,004 But the faucet kept dripping. It was keeping me awake. 415 00:35:42,253 --> 00:35:46,849 You know what I did? I pushed my big toe up the faucet. 416 00:35:47,493 --> 00:35:49,609 They call that American know-how. 417 00:35:49,853 --> 00:35:53,687 Then my toe got stuck and I couldn't get it out again. 418 00:35:53,933 --> 00:35:55,048 You couldn't? 419 00:35:55,293 --> 00:36:00,048 But there's a phone in the bathroom. I was able to call the plumber. 420 00:36:00,293 --> 00:36:01,362 You called him? 421 00:36:01,613 --> 00:36:05,322 He was very nice, even though it was Sunday. 422 00:36:05,573 --> 00:36:08,531 He rushed right over. 423 00:36:09,613 --> 00:36:11,092 Everything come out okay? 424 00:36:11,333 --> 00:36:15,963 -Sure. But it was embarrassing. -I can see how it might've been. 425 00:36:16,213 --> 00:36:18,363 Honestly, I almost died. 426 00:36:18,613 --> 00:36:21,332 There I was with a strange plumber... 427 00:36:21,573 --> 00:36:24,133 ...and no polish on my toenails. 428 00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:34,732 -You got a cigarette around? -A cigarette? Sure. 429 00:36:35,013 --> 00:36:36,526 Coming up. 430 00:36:53,173 --> 00:36:56,768 -Here you are. -Are you afraid of burglars? 431 00:36:57,013 --> 00:37:00,164 I'm just trying not to smoke. The theory is: 432 00:37:00,413 --> 00:37:04,929 If you don't see them, you don't think about them. 433 00:37:06,893 --> 00:37:10,568 It's not 100%foolproof. It's only a theory. 434 00:37:10,813 --> 00:37:15,603 All you do is spend half your life dragging ladders back and forth. 435 00:37:15,853 --> 00:37:19,129 You could break a leg. It's just ridiculous. 436 00:37:19,373 --> 00:37:22,683 At the club we had this girl who only smoked cigars. 437 00:37:22,933 --> 00:37:26,528 She only did it to make herself look older. 438 00:37:29,213 --> 00:37:32,649 -What club was that? -This club I lived at. 439 00:37:32,893 --> 00:37:35,726 I hated it. You had to be in by 1 a.m. 440 00:37:35,973 --> 00:37:38,487 Now I can stay out all night. 441 00:37:38,733 --> 00:37:43,045 I was glad when they practically asked me to leave. 442 00:37:43,293 --> 00:37:46,524 -Why did they ask you to leave? -lt was so silly. 443 00:37:46,773 --> 00:37:51,767 I posed for a picture in U.S. Camera and they got all upset. 444 00:37:52,013 --> 00:37:53,969 What was wrong with the picture? 445 00:37:54,213 --> 00:37:58,923 I was... It was one of these artistic pictures. 446 00:38:00,693 --> 00:38:02,843 On the beach, with driftwood. 447 00:38:03,093 --> 00:38:06,483 -lt got honorable mention. -ln U.S. Camera? 448 00:38:06,733 --> 00:38:10,806 It was called "Textures." You'd see three different kinds. 449 00:38:11,053 --> 00:38:14,932 The driftwood, the sand and me. I got $25 an hour. 450 00:38:15,173 --> 00:38:19,610 -lt took hours and hours. -Very interesting line of work. 451 00:38:19,853 --> 00:38:24,802 I don't do modeling anymore. Now I'm on TV every other week. 452 00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:28,011 -The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour. -You're an actress? 453 00:38:28,253 --> 00:38:30,687 Sort of. I do the commercial part. 454 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:34,608 It's a good part. They put gray makeup on my teeth... 455 00:38:34,853 --> 00:38:37,413 ...to show ordinary toothpaste. 456 00:38:37,653 --> 00:38:41,089 Then they wipe it off to show how Dazzledent works. 457 00:38:41,333 --> 00:38:44,769 I sit like this for about 14 seconds... 458 00:38:45,013 --> 00:38:47,402 ...and I get to speak lines too. 459 00:38:47,653 --> 00:38:51,328 "I had onions at lunch, I had garlic dressing at dinner. 460 00:38:51,573 --> 00:38:55,248 But he'll never know. I stay kissing-sweet... 461 00:38:55,493 --> 00:38:58,326 ...the new Dazzledent way." 462 00:39:00,613 --> 00:39:03,252 -You do that beautifully. -Thank you. 463 00:39:03,493 --> 00:39:07,281 People don't realize, but when I show my teeth on TV... 464 00:39:07,493 --> 00:39:09,643 ...I appear before more people... 465 00:39:09,853 --> 00:39:13,971 ...than Sarah Bernhardt ever did. Something to think about. 466 00:39:14,213 --> 00:39:16,124 It certainly is. 467 00:39:16,653 --> 00:39:20,965 Wish I were old enough to have seen her. Was she magnificent? 468 00:39:23,213 --> 00:39:26,171 I wouldn't know. I'm not that old myself. 469 00:39:26,413 --> 00:39:28,165 I guess you're not really. 470 00:39:28,413 --> 00:39:31,769 I'm 39. I will be in August. At the moment I'm 38. 471 00:39:32,053 --> 00:39:35,523 Thirty-eight? I was 22, day before yesterday. 472 00:39:35,773 --> 00:39:39,129 I didn't do anything about it. I didn't tell anyone. 473 00:39:39,373 --> 00:39:42,012 I did buy a bottle of champagne. 474 00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,171 I thought I'd sit there, drink it by myself. 475 00:39:45,413 --> 00:39:48,405 -That sounds absolutely sad. -Oh, no! 476 00:39:48,653 --> 00:39:53,169 It would've been just elegant, lying in a bath, drinking champagne. 477 00:39:53,413 --> 00:39:58,612 -But I couldn't get the bottle open. -You couldn't? There's nothing to it. 478 00:39:59,093 --> 00:40:01,448 You think you could get it open? 479 00:40:01,693 --> 00:40:03,888 I'm pretty sure I could. 480 00:40:04,093 --> 00:40:06,926 I've got an idea. I'll go up and get it. 481 00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,687 It's in the icebox with the potato chips and my underwear. 482 00:40:09,933 --> 00:40:12,367 -Do you have champagne glasses? -Yes. 483 00:40:12,613 --> 00:40:15,173 Good! We'll have a wonderful time. 484 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:18,325 The man says it's very good champagne. 485 00:40:20,733 --> 00:40:25,761 -Shall I bring the potato chips too? -Sure, let's shoot the works. 486 00:40:29,173 --> 00:40:32,848 Honorable mention in U.S. Camera. 487 00:40:38,333 --> 00:40:40,972 U.S. Camera. 488 00:40:47,293 --> 00:40:51,809 "News Events. Children and Animals. The Human Body." 489 00:41:10,653 --> 00:41:14,328 Champagne glasses. Champagne glasses. 490 00:41:36,893 --> 00:41:39,327 Phone, phone. Where's the phone? 491 00:41:43,093 --> 00:41:45,243 Hello? Who is it? 492 00:41:45,493 --> 00:41:48,690 Oh, Helen. Well, this is a surprise! 493 00:41:48,933 --> 00:41:52,289 And a pleasant one. How are you? 494 00:41:52,533 --> 00:41:55,923 Sure, I'm all right. Why shouldn't I be all right? 495 00:41:56,173 --> 00:42:00,086 In what way do I sound funny? Everything is just fine. 496 00:42:00,333 --> 00:42:04,246 What's your problem? Did I know Ricky forgot his paddle? 497 00:42:04,493 --> 00:42:08,645 I've been dragging that thing all over New York. Sure, I will. 498 00:42:08,893 --> 00:42:12,488 I'll send it off first thing. Good night. 499 00:42:12,733 --> 00:42:17,045 Who? Who dropped in after dinner? Tom MacKenzie? 500 00:42:17,293 --> 00:42:19,932 Good old Tom. How is he? 501 00:42:20,333 --> 00:42:24,804 Drinking? Who, me? Whatever gave you that idea? 502 00:42:25,053 --> 00:42:28,966 I was sitting here reading a book about driftwood. 503 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:33,650 We may publish it. It's interesting. Some of the formations are... 504 00:42:35,453 --> 00:42:39,685 I'd better hang up. The bathtub is running over. 505 00:42:39,933 --> 00:42:42,527 Good night. Night! 506 00:42:46,013 --> 00:42:51,133 Sorry, I was on the phone. A friend of mine in the country... 507 00:42:51,373 --> 00:42:54,092 Oh, say! 508 00:42:54,333 --> 00:42:56,972 It isn't right to drink champagne in pants. 509 00:42:57,213 --> 00:42:59,727 Would you mind fastening my straps? 510 00:43:00,053 --> 00:43:03,125 Oh, sure. Sure. 511 00:43:04,093 --> 00:43:08,928 Potato chips, champagne. You really think you can get it open? 512 00:43:09,493 --> 00:43:14,487 Oh, yeah. I've opened one or two before in my life. 513 00:43:14,733 --> 00:43:18,726 It's simply a matter of pressure and counter-pressure. 514 00:43:18,973 --> 00:43:22,283 -There she goes. -You've sure got powerful thumbs. 515 00:43:22,533 --> 00:43:26,367 I used to play a lot of badminton. Get the glasses. 516 00:43:27,493 --> 00:43:29,131 Quick, quick! The glasses! 517 00:43:31,933 --> 00:43:34,322 -Pour it. -Seems to be stuck. 518 00:43:34,573 --> 00:43:37,133 That's silly. Give it a good yank. 519 00:43:39,013 --> 00:43:40,685 This never happened before. 520 00:43:40,933 --> 00:43:44,369 It must be the vacuum. The bubbles create a vacuum. 521 00:43:44,613 --> 00:43:46,524 Let me see if I can do it. 522 00:43:49,333 --> 00:43:51,130 I'll try to twist it. 523 00:43:53,973 --> 00:43:57,204 -You're married! -I am? Yes, I am. 524 00:43:57,453 --> 00:44:01,128 I knew it. I could tell. You look married. 525 00:44:02,933 --> 00:44:06,164 Actually, my wife and I are separated. 526 00:44:06,573 --> 00:44:10,282 Separated in the sense that she went away for the summer. 527 00:44:10,533 --> 00:44:14,731 -Any children? -No. Well, just one very little one. 528 00:44:14,973 --> 00:44:17,362 It's cold in there. Finger's getting numb. 529 00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:20,491 I could call the plumber. He's very good at this. 530 00:44:20,733 --> 00:44:23,327 No, let's keep the plumber out of it. 531 00:44:23,573 --> 00:44:25,803 Grab hold of the piano. 532 00:44:26,573 --> 00:44:29,326 Careful, I had my appendix out last year. 533 00:44:33,373 --> 00:44:35,807 -Are you all right? -Fine. 534 00:44:38,093 --> 00:44:41,642 Do you wanna waste it now that you know I'm married? 535 00:44:41,893 --> 00:44:46,364 I think it's wonderful that you're married. Just elegant. 536 00:44:46,613 --> 00:44:48,092 -You do? -Of course. 537 00:44:48,333 --> 00:44:53,453 I wouldn't be lying on the floor with some man if he wasn't married. 538 00:44:53,693 --> 00:44:56,161 That's an interesting line of reasoning. 539 00:44:56,413 --> 00:44:59,052 With a married man it's so simple. 540 00:44:59,293 --> 00:45:02,603 I mean, it can't possibly ever get drastic. 541 00:45:08,533 --> 00:45:13,732 -Have a potato chip. -ln what sense can't it get drastic? 542 00:45:13,973 --> 00:45:18,205 -People keep falling in love with me. -I can believe it. 543 00:45:18,453 --> 00:45:23,288 -They get this strange idea. -I believe that too. 544 00:45:23,533 --> 00:45:25,444 They ask me to marry them. 545 00:45:25,693 --> 00:45:28,924 All the time. I don't know why they do it. 546 00:45:29,173 --> 00:45:33,166 -Maybe it's a kind of nervousness. -Maybe. 547 00:45:33,413 --> 00:45:36,689 I don't wanna get married. Not yet, anyway. 548 00:45:37,533 --> 00:45:40,764 That'd be worse than living at the club. 549 00:45:41,013 --> 00:45:43,049 I'd have to get in by 1 again. 550 00:45:43,293 --> 00:45:46,330 Very true, you would. At least occasionally. 551 00:45:46,573 --> 00:45:49,565 That's what's wonderful about a married man. 552 00:45:49,813 --> 00:45:52,771 No matter what, he can't ask you to marry him. 553 00:45:53,013 --> 00:45:56,130 -He's married already. Right? -Right. 554 00:45:59,773 --> 00:46:05,131 You certainly don't have to worry about me. Am I ever a married man! 555 00:46:05,373 --> 00:46:09,651 I'm the most married man you'll ever know. And I promise... 556 00:46:09,853 --> 00:46:15,052 ...I will never ask you to marry me, come what may. 557 00:46:16,093 --> 00:46:18,926 -Well, how about some music? -Fine. 558 00:46:19,173 --> 00:46:22,882 Let's see what we've got here. 559 00:46:23,133 --> 00:46:27,251 Debussy, Ravel, Stravinsky. 560 00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,245 Hey, how about this one? 561 00:46:29,493 --> 00:46:32,690 Rachmaninoff, the Second Piano Concerto. 562 00:46:32,933 --> 00:46:36,448 You look to me like a big Rachmaninoff girl. 563 00:46:36,693 --> 00:46:40,368 I do? Funny, I don't know anything about music. 564 00:46:40,613 --> 00:46:45,528 You don't have to. Just listen to it, that's all. 565 00:46:54,133 --> 00:46:59,048 This is classical music, isn't it? I can tell. There's no vocal. 566 00:47:02,493 --> 00:47:03,926 Don't talk. 567 00:47:04,893 --> 00:47:06,485 Don't fight it. 568 00:47:06,733 --> 00:47:09,930 Relax. Go limp. 569 00:47:10,773 --> 00:47:13,367 -Like this? -Yes. 570 00:47:13,613 --> 00:47:16,127 Let it sweep over you. 571 00:47:26,053 --> 00:47:29,329 I got the biggest thing for Eddie Fisher. 572 00:47:33,133 --> 00:47:37,046 Frequently, people go to pieces listening to this. 573 00:47:37,293 --> 00:47:39,648 -No kidding? -Yes. 574 00:47:40,053 --> 00:47:43,966 It quakes them. It shakes them. 575 00:47:44,213 --> 00:47:48,126 Makes them goose-pimply all over. 576 00:47:48,653 --> 00:47:51,326 Did you ever dunk a potato chip in champagne? 577 00:47:51,573 --> 00:47:55,851 It's real crazy. Here. 578 00:47:56,093 --> 00:48:00,484 -lsn't that crazy? -Yeah, pretty crazy. 579 00:48:00,733 --> 00:48:05,602 We'd better send Rachmaninoff off. This wasn't such a good idea. 580 00:48:05,853 --> 00:48:08,811 Don't worry, everything's fine. 581 00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:11,772 A married man, air conditioning... 582 00:48:12,013 --> 00:48:16,370 ...champagne and potato chips. It's a wonderful party. 583 00:48:16,613 --> 00:48:20,686 Hey! Look, you've got U.S. Camera! 584 00:48:20,973 --> 00:48:23,931 I do? How about that! 585 00:48:24,453 --> 00:48:26,125 I've got U.S. Camera. 586 00:48:26,373 --> 00:48:31,493 I bought a dozen copies of this but people kept stealing them. 587 00:48:31,733 --> 00:48:33,724 Why would they do that? 588 00:48:34,493 --> 00:48:37,326 That's me, right there on the beach. 589 00:48:38,053 --> 00:48:41,682 My hair was a little longer then. Did you notice? 590 00:48:41,933 --> 00:48:45,482 No, I didn't. Let me ask you something. 591 00:48:45,733 --> 00:48:49,487 When they took this, there must've been some passersby. 592 00:48:49,733 --> 00:48:53,362 Other people around. How did they keep the crowd back? 593 00:48:53,613 --> 00:48:57,526 It was taken early in the morning. Nobody was up. 594 00:48:57,773 --> 00:49:02,563 -Except... You see that shadow? -ls it a sea gull? 595 00:49:02,813 --> 00:49:06,806 No, a coast guard helicopter. He kept buzzing the beach. 596 00:49:07,053 --> 00:49:10,568 Maybe you'd like me to autograph this before I leave. 597 00:49:10,813 --> 00:49:13,247 You're not leaving yet, are you? 598 00:49:13,493 --> 00:49:16,530 -How about more champagne? -Love some. 599 00:49:19,093 --> 00:49:20,924 Just freshen it. 600 00:49:23,533 --> 00:49:25,330 Oh, I'm awfully sorry. 601 00:49:25,573 --> 00:49:26,972 Here. 602 00:49:30,133 --> 00:49:33,603 We should have some music. Do you play the piano? 603 00:49:33,853 --> 00:49:38,324 Not really. Not anymore. I used to. Just a little as a child. 604 00:49:38,573 --> 00:49:42,532 -Go ahead, play something. -Well, all right. 605 00:49:45,973 --> 00:49:49,852 Let's see if I remember this. It's a little tricky. 606 00:50:09,133 --> 00:50:13,126 "Chopsticks"! I can play that too. Shove over. 607 00:50:34,453 --> 00:50:39,083 I don't know about that Rachmaninoff, but this really gets me. 608 00:50:39,333 --> 00:50:41,528 -lt does? -And how. 609 00:50:50,213 --> 00:50:54,172 -I can feel the goose pimples. -Goose pimples? 610 00:50:59,213 --> 00:51:00,931 Don't stop. 611 00:51:01,573 --> 00:51:02,926 Don't stop. 612 00:51:04,093 --> 00:51:07,403 -Why do you stop? -You know why. 613 00:51:07,653 --> 00:51:12,681 Because now I'm going to take you in my arms and kiss you... 614 00:51:12,933 --> 00:51:15,606 ...very quickly and very hard. 615 00:51:15,853 --> 00:51:17,730 Hey, wait a minute! 616 00:51:23,533 --> 00:51:27,572 -What happened? I lost track. -I don't know. 617 00:51:27,813 --> 00:51:30,885 This is terrible. There's nothing I can say. 618 00:51:31,133 --> 00:51:34,205 Except that I'm terribly sorry. 619 00:51:34,453 --> 00:51:36,967 Nothing like this ever happened to me before. 620 00:51:37,213 --> 00:51:40,489 This happens to me all the time. 621 00:51:40,933 --> 00:51:42,286 This is unforgivable. 622 00:51:42,533 --> 00:51:46,606 The only possible excuse is that I'm not quite myself tonight. 623 00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:50,289 Maybe it'd be better if you would just go. 624 00:51:50,533 --> 00:51:55,687 -Why? You're being silly. -Please go. I must insist. 625 00:51:58,293 --> 00:52:00,727 Take your potato chips and go. 626 00:52:02,813 --> 00:52:05,930 All right, if you really want me to. 627 00:52:09,893 --> 00:52:11,929 -Good night. -Good night. 628 00:52:14,453 --> 00:52:16,523 I think you're very nice. 629 00:52:21,853 --> 00:52:25,926 Nice! You're not nice. You're crazy, that's what you are. 630 00:52:26,173 --> 00:52:30,291 Helen's gone for one day and you're running amuck. 631 00:52:30,533 --> 00:52:35,812 Smoking, drinking, picking up girls, playing "Chopsticks." 632 00:52:37,693 --> 00:52:42,244 You're not gonna live through this summer. Not like this. 633 00:52:47,053 --> 00:52:48,850 Look at those bloodshot eyes. 634 00:52:49,093 --> 00:52:52,608 Look at that face, ravaged, dissipated, evil. 635 00:52:52,853 --> 00:52:56,084 One morning you'll look in the mirror and that's all. 636 00:52:56,333 --> 00:52:58,722 The Portrait of Dorian Gray. 637 00:53:19,611 --> 00:53:23,763 -Good morning, Mr. Sherman. -Good morning, Miss Morris. 638 00:53:25,251 --> 00:53:28,607 -Mr. Brady get in yet? -Yes, he came in early. 639 00:53:28,851 --> 00:53:32,924 -I wanna see him. Put this on my desk. -Of course. 640 00:53:33,171 --> 00:53:36,208 Would you like me to get coffee and a doughnut? 641 00:53:36,451 --> 00:53:37,486 No, thank you. 642 00:53:37,731 --> 00:53:40,882 Have you had breakfast, with the family away? 643 00:53:41,131 --> 00:53:44,123 I'm capable of fixing my own breakfast. 644 00:53:44,371 --> 00:53:48,887 I had a peanut butter sandwich and two whiskey sours. 645 00:53:53,331 --> 00:53:56,562 -Mr. Brady. -Oh, Sherman, come in. 646 00:53:58,531 --> 00:53:59,759 Well, what is it? 647 00:54:00,011 --> 00:54:05,210 I've been with this company for years, and I've never asked for a favor. 648 00:54:05,491 --> 00:54:09,040 -You had a raise in February. -I'm not talking about that. 649 00:54:09,251 --> 00:54:11,242 This is more important than money. 650 00:54:11,491 --> 00:54:16,201 I want two weeks off to join my wife and son in the country. 651 00:54:16,451 --> 00:54:20,922 This is our busy season. We're preparing our fall list. 652 00:54:21,171 --> 00:54:22,809 I'm very tense and upset. 653 00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:27,681 I'm on the verge of a breakdown. If I could get back with my wife... 654 00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,809 -How long have you been married? -Seven years. 655 00:54:31,051 --> 00:54:35,442 In a few years, you'll be delighted to get rid of them for the summer. 656 00:54:35,691 --> 00:54:39,889 Shipped them to Nantucket yesterday afternoon... 657 00:54:40,131 --> 00:54:42,725 ...and I haven't been to bed since. 658 00:54:45,131 --> 00:54:50,159 Drank bourbon, smoked cigars, played poker till this morning. 659 00:54:50,411 --> 00:54:53,528 Came to the office. Never felt better in my life. 660 00:54:53,771 --> 00:54:59,562 I may not go to bed at all till the family gets back in September. 661 00:55:00,091 --> 00:55:01,763 If I stay in New York alone... 662 00:55:02,011 --> 00:55:05,720 ...there's a chance I may not live to see September. 663 00:55:05,971 --> 00:55:10,169 That's ridiculous, Sherman. You're just a little lonely. 664 00:55:10,411 --> 00:55:14,529 What about us teaming up tonight, seeing if we can get lucky? 665 00:55:14,771 --> 00:55:17,205 It doesn't have to be just poker. 666 00:55:17,451 --> 00:55:20,887 We'll cut loose and have us a real hootenanny. 667 00:55:21,131 --> 00:55:26,125 It's very kind of you, but I don't think... No hootenannies. 668 00:55:26,371 --> 00:55:31,399 Suit yourself, but I've been thinking about that fall list. 669 00:55:31,651 --> 00:55:35,280 What would you think of a 25-cent reprint... 670 00:55:35,531 --> 00:55:39,570 -...of The Portrait of Dorian Gray? -Dorian Gray? 671 00:55:39,811 --> 00:55:43,884 Look what we'll be giving them for a quarter! 672 00:55:44,131 --> 00:55:47,840 Vice, lust and corruption. The story of a young man: 673 00:55:48,091 --> 00:55:51,766 On the surface, clear-eyed and healthy, just like you. 674 00:55:52,011 --> 00:55:54,684 But underneath, dry rot. 675 00:55:54,931 --> 00:56:00,005 The termites of sin and depravity, gnawing at his soul. 676 00:56:00,251 --> 00:56:02,401 How does that strike you? 677 00:56:02,931 --> 00:56:06,082 No, no. No. 678 00:56:07,411 --> 00:56:08,560 Chapter six: 679 00:56:08,811 --> 00:56:12,884 "The Infidelity Pattern in the Married Male... 680 00:56:13,131 --> 00:56:14,723 ...or the 'seven-year itch.' 681 00:56:14,971 --> 00:56:19,408 A study of 18,000 marriages conducted by myself... 682 00:56:19,651 --> 00:56:23,564 ...leads us to believe that the 'urge curve' in the husband... 683 00:56:23,811 --> 00:56:26,689 ...rises sharply during the seventh year. 684 00:56:26,931 --> 00:56:30,003 This phenomenon is humorously... 685 00:56:30,251 --> 00:56:33,163 ...referred to as the seven-year itch. 686 00:56:33,611 --> 00:56:36,808 Far from humorous, this unfortunate urge... 687 00:56:37,051 --> 00:56:41,283 ...strikes 84.6% of the married male population... 688 00:56:41,531 --> 00:56:46,207 ...rising to an alarming 91 .8% during the summer months." 689 00:56:55,411 --> 00:56:57,163 Changed my mind. 690 00:57:06,491 --> 00:57:11,406 "Case history A: Gustaf Meyerheim, the mad lover of Leipzig. 691 00:57:14,171 --> 00:57:18,562 An extreme, but not unusual case of the seven-year itch... 692 00:57:18,811 --> 00:57:22,087 ...occurred in Leipzig, Germany in 1912. 693 00:57:22,331 --> 00:57:26,404 Gustaf Meyerheim, happily married for seven years... 694 00:57:26,651 --> 00:57:29,404 ...suddenly..." Seven years! 695 00:57:34,651 --> 00:57:39,122 -Dr. Brubaker to see Mr. Sherman. -Doctor, you're early. 696 00:57:39,371 --> 00:57:43,159 Yes, my 3:00 patient jumped out of the window. 697 00:57:43,411 --> 00:57:46,164 So I'm ahead of schedule. Which door? 698 00:57:46,411 --> 00:57:48,163 This one. 699 00:57:51,531 --> 00:57:55,001 -Good afternoon, Mr. Sherman. -Dr. Brubaker. 700 00:57:55,251 --> 00:57:58,243 I see you've been working on my book. 701 00:57:58,491 --> 00:58:01,563 It's a wonderful book. Very important. 702 00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:04,086 -lt has something for everyone. -Yes. 703 00:58:04,331 --> 00:58:08,847 You'll be happy to know that we're giving it a big promotion. 704 00:58:09,091 --> 00:58:13,084 You'll be seeing this in every drugstore in America. 705 00:58:13,331 --> 00:58:17,290 -"Of Sex and Violence"? -We had to soup up the title. 706 00:58:17,531 --> 00:58:19,886 What does this represent? 707 00:58:20,131 --> 00:58:23,680 Gustaf Meyerheim, the mad lover of Leipzig... 708 00:58:23,931 --> 00:58:27,207 ...terrorizing one of his victims. Isn't that sensational? 709 00:58:27,451 --> 00:58:32,081 May I remind you that Meyerheim was small, with a red beard? 710 00:58:32,331 --> 00:58:33,969 Nobody knows that. 711 00:58:34,211 --> 00:58:35,849 They know it in Leipzig. 712 00:58:36,091 --> 00:58:39,606 And all his victims were middle-aged women. 713 00:58:39,851 --> 00:58:43,127 Don't you think it'd be more effective... 714 00:58:43,371 --> 00:58:46,841 ...to show a man terrorizing a young girl, sales-wise? 715 00:58:47,091 --> 00:58:51,403 I'm not a salesman. I'm a doctor. I heal sick minds. 716 00:58:51,651 --> 00:58:56,805 I find ways to root out insecurities, neuroses, inner tensions... 717 00:58:58,011 --> 00:59:01,640 -What is it? What are you looking at? -Nothing. 718 00:59:03,611 --> 00:59:08,480 -Does that mean something, doctor? -No, nothing serious. 719 00:59:08,731 --> 00:59:13,088 -Dark clouds on the psychic horizon. -That's preposterous. 720 00:59:13,331 --> 00:59:16,687 A twitch in a thumb, a nerve or a muscle. 721 00:59:16,931 --> 00:59:21,880 You psychiatrists make a case out of it. Of all the ridiculous... 722 00:59:22,131 --> 00:59:24,725 -Are you very expensive? -Very. 723 00:59:24,971 --> 00:59:27,610 -I'm sure you make exceptions. -Never. 724 00:59:27,851 --> 00:59:30,365 If a case really interests you? 725 00:59:30,571 --> 00:59:33,404 At $50 an hour, all my cases interest me. 726 00:59:33,651 --> 00:59:38,202 If you run into something spectacular, another Gustaf Meyerheim... 727 00:59:38,451 --> 00:59:41,682 You wouldn't believe this, but last night... 728 00:59:41,931 --> 00:59:46,880 ...I found myself terrorizing a young lady. 729 00:59:47,131 --> 00:59:49,850 That could account for the thumb. 730 00:59:50,091 --> 00:59:54,448 Actually, it wasn't that bad. I just made a little boo-boo. 731 00:59:54,691 --> 00:59:58,127 Psychoanalysis doesn't recognize the boo-boo as such. 732 00:59:58,371 --> 01:00:00,521 Everything is unconscious. 733 01:00:00,771 --> 01:00:02,727 I was completely conscious. 734 01:00:02,971 --> 01:00:06,327 I told her to take her potato chips and go. 735 01:00:06,571 --> 01:00:10,359 -Potato chips. If you please... -All right, doctor. 736 01:00:13,731 --> 01:00:16,404 I'm in serious trouble. I'm married. 737 01:00:16,651 --> 01:00:20,405 "Serious trouble. Married." So far, normal. 738 01:00:20,651 --> 01:00:22,801 I've been married for seven years. 739 01:00:23,051 --> 01:00:26,930 I'm coming down with what you call the seven-year itch. 740 01:00:27,171 --> 01:00:31,687 -What am I going to do? -lf something itches, scratch. 741 01:00:31,931 --> 01:00:35,970 I scratched. There was this lady. Everything went black. 742 01:00:36,211 --> 01:00:39,601 I terrorized her, I attempted to terrorize her. 743 01:00:39,851 --> 01:00:42,126 The attempt was unsuccessful? 744 01:00:42,371 --> 01:00:47,320 Definitely. All I did was knock us both off the piano bench. 745 01:00:47,531 --> 01:00:50,523 Let me understand. You attempted to terrorize... 746 01:00:50,771 --> 01:00:53,569 ...a young lady on a piano bench? 747 01:00:54,891 --> 01:00:56,165 Yes. 748 01:00:56,891 --> 01:01:00,770 And on whose person was this attempt committed? 749 01:01:01,371 --> 01:01:04,761 Here, doctor. I brought this with me. 750 01:01:05,011 --> 01:01:08,401 I didn't wanna leave it lying around the house. 751 01:01:08,851 --> 01:01:10,682 That's her. 752 01:01:10,931 --> 01:01:13,684 Her hair was a little longer then. 753 01:01:18,011 --> 01:01:23,005 It's called "Textures" because you can see three different textures. 754 01:01:23,211 --> 01:01:24,644 It got honorable mention. 755 01:01:24,851 --> 01:01:28,605 Splendid. I congratulate you on your good taste. 756 01:01:28,851 --> 01:01:31,809 Interesting driftwood formation too. 757 01:01:32,051 --> 01:01:36,044 I'll give you my advice. Do not attempt it again. 758 01:01:36,291 --> 01:01:39,567 But if you should, give yourself room to work in. 759 01:01:39,811 --> 01:01:43,486 Do not attempt it balanced on a piano bench. 760 01:01:43,731 --> 01:01:45,403 Such an attempt is doomed. 761 01:01:45,651 --> 01:01:48,927 -I love my wife. -Don't we all? Your time is up. 762 01:01:49,171 --> 01:01:54,120 If you find yourself in need of further analysis, phone my office. 763 01:01:54,371 --> 01:01:58,922 As for my book, we'll resume discussion as your...has subsided. 764 01:01:59,171 --> 01:02:04,245 If she tells anybody about this, I'll kill her with my bare hands. 765 01:02:04,491 --> 01:02:05,924 A possible solution. 766 01:02:06,171 --> 01:02:10,164 But murder is the most difficult crime to commit. 767 01:02:10,411 --> 01:02:13,403 Until you can commit a simple act of terror... 768 01:02:13,651 --> 01:02:18,281 ...I strongly advise you to avoid anything so complex. 769 01:02:18,531 --> 01:02:22,490 One must learn to walk before one can run. Goodbye. 770 01:02:29,371 --> 01:02:31,282 I'm in big trouble. 771 01:02:32,291 --> 01:02:35,124 Girls like this can't keep their mouths shut. 772 01:02:35,371 --> 01:02:37,885 This'll be all over New York. 773 01:02:38,131 --> 01:02:42,568 I bet right this minute she's telling someone about it. 774 01:02:42,971 --> 01:02:47,840 He lured me in his apartment. He made me sit on his piano bench. 775 01:02:48,091 --> 01:02:51,845 He made me play "Chopsticks." Then he turned on me. 776 01:02:52,091 --> 01:02:54,605 He was frothing at the mouth... 777 01:02:54,811 --> 01:02:58,486 ...just like the creature from the Black Lagoon! 778 01:03:00,211 --> 01:03:02,247 I knew it. I knew it! 779 01:03:02,491 --> 01:03:07,042 That's how these stories get started. Big blabbermouth. 780 01:03:07,291 --> 01:03:09,930 Then he lured her into his apartment... 781 01:03:10,171 --> 01:03:14,961 ...pretended he wasn't married. He forced her onto the piano bench. 782 01:03:15,211 --> 01:03:19,648 I know him very well. He was in here for dinner, 260 calories. 783 01:03:19,891 --> 01:03:22,928 He forced her to sit on the piano bench... 784 01:03:23,171 --> 01:03:26,686 ...and then he made her play "Chopsticks." 785 01:03:28,251 --> 01:03:33,450 The word is spreading. It's spreading. It's like jungle drums. 786 01:03:33,891 --> 01:03:37,645 Everybody knows about it. Everybody's talking about it. 787 01:03:38,731 --> 01:03:42,246 Television! I forgot she's on television. 788 01:03:42,491 --> 01:03:45,005 50 million TV sets in America. 789 01:03:45,251 --> 01:03:48,084 And now with the coaxial cable...! 790 01:03:48,971 --> 01:03:53,283 I had onions at lunch. I had garlic dressing at dinner. 791 01:03:53,531 --> 01:03:55,487 But he'll never know... 792 01:03:55,691 --> 01:04:01,482 ...because I stay kissing-sweet the new Dazzledent way. 793 01:04:04,531 --> 01:04:08,763 Now that I have your attention, I want to warn all you girls... 794 01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:12,287 ...about an evil, dangerous, married man... 795 01:04:12,531 --> 01:04:14,761 ...living downstairs in my building. 796 01:04:15,011 --> 01:04:17,969 His name is Richard Sherman. 797 01:04:18,211 --> 01:04:21,487 S-H-E-R-M-A-N. 798 01:04:21,731 --> 01:04:24,484 While his wife and son are in Maine... 799 01:04:24,731 --> 01:04:28,326 ...this monster is terrorizing the girls of New York. 800 01:04:28,571 --> 01:04:32,086 Mommy, come quick! They're talking about Daddy. 801 01:04:32,331 --> 01:04:35,323 He makes them sit on the piano bench... 802 01:04:35,571 --> 01:04:38,005 ...and makes them play "Chopsticks. " 803 01:04:38,251 --> 01:04:41,049 Then suddenly he turns on them... 804 01:04:41,291 --> 01:04:44,840 ...just like the creature from the Black Lagoon! 805 01:04:47,891 --> 01:04:50,086 Well, I might as well face it. 806 01:04:50,971 --> 01:04:55,089 She knows everything. She knows, she knows, she knows. 807 01:04:55,851 --> 01:05:00,367 But maybe she doesn't. Maybe there isn't any TV up in Maine. 808 01:05:00,611 --> 01:05:04,684 I can't go on like this. Why don't I just call Helen? 809 01:05:04,931 --> 01:05:09,482 The minute I heard her voice, I could tell if she knew anything. 810 01:05:09,731 --> 01:05:11,881 All right, call her. 811 01:05:15,771 --> 01:05:19,480 Hello, long distance? I want Ogunquit, Maine. 812 01:05:19,731 --> 01:05:24,282 Ogunquit-42831 J. Yeah, thanks. 813 01:05:25,211 --> 01:05:30,410 What's taking so long? Maybe she's talking to the lawyers already. 814 01:05:30,771 --> 01:05:35,606 Hello, hello? Helen? Bad connection. 815 01:05:35,851 --> 01:05:38,923 Who? Who is this? 816 01:05:39,171 --> 01:05:41,731 I wanna talk to Mrs. Sherman. 817 01:05:41,971 --> 01:05:46,601 Who is this? Oh, the babysitter. 818 01:05:46,851 --> 01:05:50,810 Look, this is Mr. Sherman. Where is Mrs. Sherman? 819 01:05:51,171 --> 01:05:54,129 What do you mean she's on a hayride? 820 01:05:54,371 --> 01:05:57,204 With whom is she on a hayride? 821 01:05:57,971 --> 01:06:00,280 Mr. MacKenzie and some people? 822 01:06:01,531 --> 01:06:03,089 What people? 823 01:06:04,731 --> 01:06:09,088 She did leave a message? What was the message? 824 01:06:10,651 --> 01:06:15,679 Ricky's paddle. No, I forgot. Something came up. 825 01:06:15,931 --> 01:06:19,640 I'll send it first thing in the morning. Goodbye! 826 01:06:19,891 --> 01:06:22,803 -Mr. Sherman? -What is it, Miss Morris? 827 01:06:23,051 --> 01:06:26,123 It's after 6. Do you need me anymore tonight? 828 01:06:26,371 --> 01:06:29,886 No. We've come to the end of a perfect day. 829 01:06:30,131 --> 01:06:33,441 Let's go home and enjoy the simple things. 830 01:06:33,691 --> 01:06:38,481 The good things, the real things. The laughter of a child. 831 01:06:38,731 --> 01:06:42,644 A flight of swallows winging their way back home. 832 01:06:42,891 --> 01:06:45,530 Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris. 833 01:07:01,131 --> 01:07:02,280 Hey! 834 01:07:03,251 --> 01:07:04,479 Good evening. 835 01:07:05,371 --> 01:07:07,248 I just washed my hair. 836 01:07:08,411 --> 01:07:11,562 That's nice. Goodbye. 837 01:07:16,131 --> 01:07:20,124 Oh, no, not tonight. This girl's a pistol. 838 01:07:20,371 --> 01:07:23,488 Got away with it once. Why press my luck? 839 01:07:27,811 --> 01:07:32,441 It's gonna be quiet around here tonight. I promise you that. 840 01:07:32,691 --> 01:07:38,288 Take a shower, poach an egg, rinse a shirt, hit the sack... 841 01:07:38,811 --> 01:07:40,164 ...and that's all. 842 01:08:00,331 --> 01:08:04,643 If she was washing her hair for me, is she kidding? 843 01:08:07,091 --> 01:08:10,800 Helen, what a wife! How lucky can you get? 844 01:08:11,051 --> 01:08:13,326 I'm glad she's having a good time. 845 01:08:13,571 --> 01:08:17,769 People to go out with, take her on hayrides. 846 01:08:19,571 --> 01:08:24,281 One thing, though. What's she doing on a hayride with MacKenzie? 847 01:08:24,611 --> 01:08:27,842 I wish she wouldn't hang around people like that. 848 01:08:28,091 --> 01:08:30,127 He's capable of making a pass at her. 849 01:08:30,371 --> 01:08:33,522 She'll probably like it. She's getting older. 850 01:08:33,771 --> 01:08:37,844 I'm probably very dull. And MacKenzie is a writer. 851 01:08:38,091 --> 01:08:42,164 A lousy writer. That last book of his! 852 01:08:42,411 --> 01:08:45,528 All that downwardly pulsating... 853 01:08:45,771 --> 01:08:48,524 ...and hair spilled across the pillow. 854 01:08:48,771 --> 01:08:53,481 No woman is safe around a guy who writes stuff like that. 855 01:09:08,091 --> 01:09:11,686 No, Tom, please. The other people! 856 01:09:11,931 --> 01:09:15,480 I have a confession to make. Look around. 857 01:09:18,251 --> 01:09:22,085 -There are no other people. -Don't be angry. 858 01:09:22,411 --> 01:09:24,083 I should be. 859 01:09:24,731 --> 01:09:27,609 No, Tom. What about the driver? 860 01:09:27,851 --> 01:09:31,685 -There is no driver. -No driver? 861 01:09:31,931 --> 01:09:35,810 I thought of everything. Even the horses are wearing blinkers. 862 01:09:36,251 --> 01:09:40,529 -Tom, I'm afraid. -Afraid? Of me? 863 01:09:40,771 --> 01:09:43,683 No, of me. 864 01:09:44,811 --> 01:09:48,645 Oh, darling! Downwardly, pulsating, striving. 865 01:09:48,891 --> 01:09:51,963 Now together, ending and unending. 866 01:09:52,211 --> 01:09:55,886 Now, now, now! 867 01:09:56,571 --> 01:10:00,484 What a cornball. Okay, good luck. 868 01:10:00,731 --> 01:10:05,486 If that's the way you wanna play it, I can play it that way too! 869 01:10:15,931 --> 01:10:18,491 Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman. 870 01:10:31,731 --> 01:10:36,885 Hi! Did you know you left your tomato plant down here last night? 871 01:10:38,891 --> 01:10:41,086 I'd be glad to bring it up. 872 01:10:42,851 --> 01:10:45,888 Maybe you'd like to have dinner. 873 01:10:47,651 --> 01:10:51,280 Then maybe we could go to an air-conditioned movie. 874 01:11:06,851 --> 01:11:09,968 Didn't you love the picture? I did. 875 01:11:10,211 --> 01:11:14,363 But I just felt so sorry for the creature at the end. 876 01:11:14,611 --> 01:11:18,524 Sorry? What, did you want him to marry the girl? 877 01:11:18,771 --> 01:11:23,128 He was scary-looking, but he wasn't really all bad. 878 01:11:23,371 --> 01:11:26,010 He just craved a little affection. 879 01:11:26,251 --> 01:11:30,039 A sense of being loved and needed and wanted. 880 01:11:30,291 --> 01:11:32,964 That's an interesting point of view. 881 01:11:33,331 --> 01:11:35,799 Do you feel the breeze from the subway? 882 01:11:36,051 --> 01:11:38,087 Isn't it delicious? 883 01:11:43,171 --> 01:11:47,801 Sort of cools the ankles. What would be fun to do now? 884 01:11:48,051 --> 01:11:50,929 -lt's getting pretty late. -Not that late. 885 01:11:51,171 --> 01:11:54,527 I have this big day tomorrow. I have to get to sleep. 886 01:11:54,771 --> 01:11:55,920 What's the big day? 887 01:11:56,171 --> 01:12:00,801 Tomorrow I'm on TV. I told you, The Dazzledent Hour. 888 01:12:01,731 --> 01:12:03,881 Oh, here comes another one. 889 01:12:09,051 --> 01:12:13,442 Tell me, Dazzledent toothpaste, I don't think I ever tried it. 890 01:12:13,691 --> 01:12:17,809 You should. It's excellent. Oh, yes, I use it myself. 891 01:12:18,051 --> 01:12:21,521 -Then you do recommend it? -Definitely. 892 01:12:21,771 --> 01:12:26,891 It costs a little more, but 8 out of 10 oral hygienists... 893 01:12:27,131 --> 01:12:30,885 You sound like a commercial. If I believed commercials... 894 01:12:31,131 --> 01:12:34,646 -You can believe this one. -What's that you say? 895 01:12:34,891 --> 01:12:39,806 "He'll never know. I stay kissing- sweet the new Dazzledent way"? 896 01:12:40,051 --> 01:12:44,442 -Now really. -lt's true! I'll prove it to you. 897 01:12:47,811 --> 01:12:49,244 Well? 898 01:12:49,451 --> 01:12:53,126 My faith in the integrity of advertising is restored. 899 01:12:53,371 --> 01:12:58,809 However, before I switch brands, I wanna make absolutely certain. 900 01:13:03,851 --> 01:13:07,480 A successful businessman like Kaufman... 901 01:13:07,731 --> 01:13:09,369 ...probably makes 15,000 a year. 902 01:13:09,611 --> 01:13:14,526 Spends a fortune on sculptures but will not put in air conditioning. 903 01:13:14,771 --> 01:13:18,002 I bet it was 95 in the bedroom last night. 904 01:13:18,251 --> 01:13:20,287 Poor kid, it's awful. 905 01:13:22,691 --> 01:13:23,680 Good night. 906 01:13:23,931 --> 01:13:27,207 If you wanted to drop by my place to cool off... 907 01:13:27,451 --> 01:13:30,727 ...before you face that Turkish bath up there... 908 01:13:30,971 --> 01:13:35,442 I left the air conditioning on full blast. It's cold in there. 909 01:13:35,691 --> 01:13:40,526 -Maybe for a few minutes. -To bring the body temperature down. 910 01:13:41,251 --> 01:13:44,209 I feel no matter how much it costs... 911 01:13:44,451 --> 01:13:47,602 ...if you've got to sell the kids' bonds... 912 01:13:47,851 --> 01:13:50,524 ...I say in the summertime in New York... 913 01:13:50,771 --> 01:13:53,569 ...you've got to have air conditioning. 914 01:13:54,971 --> 01:13:56,484 Just feel that. 915 01:14:02,091 --> 01:14:06,164 I didn't tell you, but I have air conditioning in every room. 916 01:14:06,411 --> 01:14:09,323 The kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom. 917 01:14:09,571 --> 01:14:12,483 -Heaven! -You just relax. 918 01:14:12,731 --> 01:14:17,282 I'll fix two drinks, and we'll have a nice, quiet talk. 919 01:14:28,691 --> 01:14:30,921 This is really the most! 920 01:14:32,811 --> 01:14:35,325 Well, what shall we talk about? 921 01:14:35,571 --> 01:14:38,290 How about psychoanalysis? 922 01:14:38,691 --> 01:14:43,685 I don't know how much you know about it, but it's a hobby of mine. 923 01:14:43,891 --> 01:14:47,964 I like to wander through the labyrinth of the human mind. 924 01:14:48,211 --> 01:14:52,329 What gets me is spending $3.95 for that miserable fan. 925 01:14:52,571 --> 01:14:54,402 It's absolutely useless. 926 01:14:54,651 --> 01:14:58,121 I'll take it back to the store to get my money back. 927 01:14:58,371 --> 01:15:01,761 Just hope I didn't lose the sales slip. 928 01:15:02,531 --> 01:15:04,647 Two days ago we were strangers... 929 01:15:04,891 --> 01:15:07,883 ...and now you're here alone with me. 930 01:15:08,491 --> 01:15:11,210 How did it happen? Why did we meet? 931 01:15:11,451 --> 01:15:14,807 The answer lies in the unconscious. 932 01:15:15,051 --> 01:15:20,079 If they won't take back the fan, the larger size is only $3 more. 933 01:15:20,331 --> 01:15:25,200 But what about tonight? I've just got to get some sleep. 934 01:15:25,451 --> 01:15:30,445 You think that plant fell by itself? There are no accidents. 935 01:15:30,691 --> 01:15:33,444 Nothing happens by itself. We make it happen. 936 01:15:33,691 --> 01:15:37,809 You didn't accidentally brush the plant, you pushed it. 937 01:15:38,051 --> 01:15:42,920 Maybe if I took the fan, put it in the icebox... 938 01:15:43,171 --> 01:15:45,127 ...and left the door open... 939 01:15:45,371 --> 01:15:50,809 ...then left the bedroom door open and soaked the sheets in ice water... 940 01:15:51,051 --> 01:15:53,645 No, that's too icky. 941 01:15:53,851 --> 01:15:56,126 Your behavior is obvious. 942 01:15:56,371 --> 01:15:59,204 You pushed the plant down to kill me. 943 01:15:59,451 --> 01:16:01,840 And why do you suppose you wanted to? 944 01:16:02,091 --> 01:16:06,687 Could it be, could it possibly be because you love me? 945 01:16:10,171 --> 01:16:15,291 Of course I could simply ask him if... I'm sure he wouldn't mind. 946 01:16:16,451 --> 01:16:18,681 He's such a nice man. 947 01:16:19,251 --> 01:16:24,041 Nothing to be ashamed of. Under this veneer we're all savages. 948 01:16:24,291 --> 01:16:27,522 Man, woman, hopelessly enmeshed. 949 01:16:27,771 --> 01:16:31,889 We're on a toboggan, we can't stop. It's too late to run. 950 01:16:32,131 --> 01:16:34,281 The beguine has begun. 951 01:16:35,211 --> 01:16:37,281 What are we going to do? 952 01:16:39,251 --> 01:16:42,926 I've been thinking about it and I... 953 01:16:43,171 --> 01:16:44,763 Yes? 954 01:16:44,971 --> 01:16:48,088 I'd like to stay here with you tonight. 955 01:16:48,851 --> 01:16:50,887 I'd like to sleep here. 956 01:16:54,971 --> 01:16:58,486 -Are you sure? -That is, if you don't mind. 957 01:16:59,651 --> 01:17:04,042 It's not a question of minding. We don't wanna rush into this. 958 01:17:04,291 --> 01:17:08,762 There are savages, and savages. This may be too savage. 959 01:17:09,011 --> 01:17:11,445 If you want to spend an hour here... 960 01:17:11,691 --> 01:17:14,489 Don't make me go to that hot apartment. 961 01:17:14,731 --> 01:17:19,725 I haven't slept in three nights. I'd like to look good tomorrow. 962 01:17:19,971 --> 01:17:23,122 I could sleep right here in this chair. 963 01:17:23,371 --> 01:17:27,842 I'll be as quiet as a mouse. You won't know I'm around. Please? 964 01:17:29,851 --> 01:17:35,005 Well, that's different. Of course you can sleep here. 965 01:17:35,251 --> 01:17:38,209 We're not savages. We're civilized people. 966 01:17:38,451 --> 01:17:42,524 -Thank you. What time do you get up? -About 8, I guess. 967 01:17:42,771 --> 01:17:47,401 -I'll fix you breakfast. -Fix my breakfast... Wait a minute. 968 01:17:47,651 --> 01:17:51,883 Suppose someone sees you leaving the apartment at 8. 969 01:17:52,131 --> 01:17:54,520 Just one person sees you, and we're dead. 970 01:17:54,771 --> 01:17:59,561 All right then, I could get up at 6 and sneak upstairs. 971 01:17:59,811 --> 01:18:02,200 Get up at 6 and sneak... Sneak! 972 01:18:02,451 --> 01:18:06,330 Even worse. Suppose someone sees you sneaking out? 973 01:18:06,571 --> 01:18:08,721 We're not doing anything wrong. 974 01:18:08,971 --> 01:18:13,362 Certainly, but there's such a thing as society, laws, rules. 975 01:18:13,611 --> 01:18:16,683 But after all, no man is an island. 976 01:18:23,011 --> 01:18:27,129 -Who is it? -lt's me, Mr. Kruhulik. 977 01:18:41,011 --> 01:18:43,764 -What is it? -I was just coming home. 978 01:18:44,011 --> 01:18:48,129 Went out with a lady, the one with the big, fat poodle. 979 01:18:48,371 --> 01:18:53,240 I saw your light. I thought it might be a good time to pick up the rugs. 980 01:18:53,491 --> 01:18:56,483 At 1:30 in the morning? Are you out of your mind? 981 01:18:56,731 --> 01:18:58,483 I promised your wife. 982 01:18:58,731 --> 01:19:03,600 Those moths are probably right now chewing away big, gaping holes. 983 01:19:03,851 --> 01:19:06,411 Stop worrying. I give you my word... 984 01:19:06,651 --> 01:19:09,085 ...the moths are not eating anything. 985 01:19:09,331 --> 01:19:13,085 Come tomorrow, early, before they have their breakfast. 986 01:19:13,331 --> 01:19:16,209 You can't trust a moth, Mr. Sherman. 987 01:19:16,451 --> 01:19:18,169 They get hungry at night... 988 01:19:18,411 --> 01:19:22,086 ...so they start looking around for a snack and... 989 01:19:28,211 --> 01:19:31,840 -Oh, I wish I was dead. -What's the matter? 990 01:19:32,091 --> 01:19:36,050 I'm sorry. I didn't quite understand the situation. 991 01:19:36,291 --> 01:19:39,761 In a situation like this, who cares about moths? 992 01:19:40,011 --> 01:19:42,889 Situation, Mr. Kruhulik? What situation? 993 01:19:47,131 --> 01:19:49,691 Moths? Let them eat the rugs. 994 01:19:49,931 --> 01:19:52,684 Let them eat the curtains. Who cares? 995 01:19:53,331 --> 01:19:55,686 Go, man, go. 996 01:19:57,091 --> 01:20:00,925 I'd like to explain this. This may seem unusual. 997 01:20:01,171 --> 01:20:04,800 -But it's the most natural thing. -I'll say. 998 01:20:05,051 --> 01:20:10,000 "Summertime, and the living is easy. Fish are jumping, cotton is high." 999 01:20:10,251 --> 01:20:14,324 That's enough! The young lady lives in this building. 1000 01:20:14,571 --> 01:20:17,404 -There's been a terrible accident. -Hi. 1001 01:20:18,051 --> 01:20:20,884 Well, hello! 1002 01:20:22,251 --> 01:20:25,288 Isn't she a living doll? 1003 01:20:25,811 --> 01:20:28,530 This lady's tomato plant fell down. 1004 01:20:28,771 --> 01:20:32,207 Sorry to disappoint, but that's all there is to it. 1005 01:20:32,451 --> 01:20:35,090 In fact, I'm glad you dropped in. 1006 01:20:35,771 --> 01:20:39,366 You can help her take the plant upstairs. It's here. 1007 01:20:39,611 --> 01:20:42,444 I watered the garden with a cocktail shaker. 1008 01:20:42,691 --> 01:20:44,283 A little silver shaker. 1009 01:20:44,531 --> 01:20:47,728 You can see your insinuations are preposterous. 1010 01:20:47,971 --> 01:20:50,804 A natural mistake, Mr. Sherman. 1011 01:20:51,051 --> 01:20:55,681 And my apologies to you, dear lady. What a doll! 1012 01:20:55,931 --> 01:20:59,640 -Right out here, Mr. Kruhulik. -What a shambles. 1013 01:20:59,891 --> 01:21:03,930 It's all right. We're covered. I have a policy. 1014 01:21:06,051 --> 01:21:08,849 Thank you, Mr. Kruhulik, and good night. 1015 01:21:09,091 --> 01:21:12,527 Good night, Miss... Whatever your name is. 1016 01:21:12,851 --> 01:21:15,604 Be careful, it's heavy. Don't strain anything. 1017 01:21:15,851 --> 01:21:17,330 I'm strained already... 1018 01:21:17,571 --> 01:21:22,691 ...from carrying that big, fat poodle around. I wish I was dead! 1019 01:21:23,931 --> 01:21:27,480 -Well, good night. -Good night. 1020 01:21:28,651 --> 01:21:32,121 I'm sorry. But you can see how it is. 1021 01:21:32,371 --> 01:21:35,681 I understand. No man is an island. 1022 01:21:44,651 --> 01:21:45,879 Normal. 1023 01:21:48,331 --> 01:21:50,970 Everything is absolutely normal. 1024 01:21:51,251 --> 01:21:53,401 Sleep. Go to sleep. 1025 01:21:53,651 --> 01:21:55,881 How can I possibly sleep? 1026 01:21:56,851 --> 01:21:58,284 What'll I do? 1027 01:21:59,931 --> 01:22:04,721 Helen. Write to Helen. Write a long letter to Helen. 1028 01:22:06,091 --> 01:22:09,720 Paddle, that's it. I've got to send the paddle. 1029 01:22:09,971 --> 01:22:14,010 Little Ricky out there on the lake without a paddle. 1030 01:22:14,251 --> 01:22:18,642 Wrap the paddle and send it off in the morning. Ricky needs it. 1031 01:22:18,891 --> 01:22:24,045 Going to get his paddle. How do you wrap a paddle, anyway? 1032 01:22:24,291 --> 01:22:26,680 Paper and string, what else? 1033 01:22:27,851 --> 01:22:31,082 I need a piece of paper the shape of a paddle. 1034 01:22:40,811 --> 01:22:42,881 All right, nothing. 1035 01:22:44,611 --> 01:22:48,490 Hey, there's some gauze in the bathroom. 1036 01:22:48,731 --> 01:22:52,519 I can bandage the whole thing, put some tape on it and... 1037 01:22:52,771 --> 01:22:56,286 And what, send it up in an ambulance? 1038 01:22:58,891 --> 01:23:00,927 This is ridiculous. 1039 01:23:01,171 --> 01:23:04,925 People send paddles every day. The mails are full of them. 1040 01:23:05,171 --> 01:23:07,287 How do they do it? 1041 01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,848 That's it, old newspapers! 1042 01:23:13,211 --> 01:23:15,441 Big deal, old newspapers. 1043 01:23:15,691 --> 01:23:19,286 Get a lot of string, slap it together... 1044 01:23:37,371 --> 01:23:38,690 Hi. 1045 01:23:41,731 --> 01:23:46,885 Forgot about the stairs. It was so easy. I pulled out the nails. 1046 01:23:49,011 --> 01:23:52,481 You know what? We can do this all summer. 1047 01:24:41,811 --> 01:24:44,006 Miss. Young lady. 1048 01:24:44,771 --> 01:24:48,810 I've got to take a shower. Got to get to the office. 1049 01:24:49,051 --> 01:24:53,886 Please, lady, get up, go home so I can get to the office. 1050 01:24:54,491 --> 01:24:57,289 Please, lady? No? 1051 01:25:47,491 --> 01:25:51,086 Poor kid, working in New York in this heat. 1052 01:25:51,331 --> 01:25:55,847 And on television! Standing there under those hot lights. 1053 01:25:59,011 --> 01:26:01,684 She must need money real bad. 1054 01:26:01,931 --> 01:26:06,766 Lives in an expensive apartment. I know what clothes cost. 1055 01:26:07,011 --> 01:26:09,479 Buys imported champagne. 1056 01:26:10,171 --> 01:26:12,765 How can she possibly afford...? 1057 01:26:13,011 --> 01:26:15,286 She must have other sources of income. 1058 01:26:16,331 --> 01:26:21,041 Plenty of ways a girl can get money if she's unscrupulous enough. 1059 01:26:21,291 --> 01:26:26,240 She could get herself some foolish, well-to-do married man. 1060 01:26:26,491 --> 01:26:28,925 Trap him into some situation. 1061 01:26:29,171 --> 01:26:33,881 Bleed him till he's white, squeeze him till he's dry... 1062 01:26:35,451 --> 01:26:40,286 They have a word for this. They call it "blackmail." 1063 01:26:50,731 --> 01:26:53,689 Where is she? She's with Kruhulik. 1064 01:26:53,931 --> 01:26:57,890 They're down at the bank going through my safe-deposit box. 1065 01:27:04,291 --> 01:27:07,283 Hello, are you in there? 1066 01:27:07,531 --> 01:27:12,286 Hi, good morning! Just taking a shower. Be out in a minute. 1067 01:27:17,411 --> 01:27:21,165 Taking a shower, she'll be out in a minute, that's all. 1068 01:27:21,411 --> 01:27:25,689 I should get one of the new towels and take it to her. 1069 01:27:27,851 --> 01:27:31,446 That would very definitely be another boo-boo. 1070 01:27:33,611 --> 01:27:37,923 If anyone were to walk in, would they ever get the wrong idea. 1071 01:27:38,171 --> 01:27:43,199 Cinnamon toast for two, strange blond in the shower. Explain that. 1072 01:27:43,451 --> 01:27:47,080 Tell them you spent the night wrapping a paddle. 1073 01:27:50,491 --> 01:27:52,129 Anybody walk in here! 1074 01:27:52,371 --> 01:27:57,365 Who's gonna walk in here? J. Edgar Hoover? Arthur Godfrey? 1075 01:27:57,611 --> 01:27:59,283 Helen, maybe? 1076 01:28:05,171 --> 01:28:09,084 She's in Maine. How could she get here? 1077 01:28:11,051 --> 01:28:15,761 On the train, that's how. On the early morning train. 1078 01:28:16,011 --> 01:28:20,880 Why would she be coming to New York? Because she knows something. 1079 01:28:21,131 --> 01:28:24,840 Because someone tipped her off. Who could've tipped...? 1080 01:28:25,091 --> 01:28:28,003 Kruhulik! He saw the girl here last night... 1081 01:28:28,251 --> 01:28:32,290 ...called Helen long distance and told her everything. 1082 01:28:32,531 --> 01:28:37,446 She's on the train, I know it. Early morning train's in already. 1083 01:28:37,691 --> 01:28:42,526 She's in a cab. She's on her way here. She'll be here any second! 1084 01:28:50,451 --> 01:28:54,000 There's a woman in this apartment. I know there is. 1085 01:28:54,251 --> 01:28:58,608 -No, Helen, it's not true. -Don't lie to me, Richard. 1086 01:28:58,851 --> 01:29:02,048 Who told you? Was it Kruhulik? 1087 01:29:02,291 --> 01:29:06,728 That's right. I've had him watching you for months. 1088 01:29:07,331 --> 01:29:12,485 His name's not Kruhulik. He's a private eye named Johnny Dollar. 1089 01:29:12,731 --> 01:29:16,007 -What are you going to do? -I'm going to shoot you. 1090 01:29:16,251 --> 01:29:19,960 I can explain everything. The cinnamon toast, the shower. 1091 01:29:20,211 --> 01:29:21,644 This girl's from Denver. 1092 01:29:21,891 --> 01:29:26,726 The Kaufmans have no air conditioning. Spend a fortune on sculpture. 1093 01:29:26,971 --> 01:29:31,249 The drugstore wouldn't take back her fan, she lost the slip. 1094 01:29:31,491 --> 01:29:36,519 So I let her sleep in our bed. I was just wrapping the paddle. 1095 01:29:37,491 --> 01:29:41,723 At least have the decency to keep the paddle of a child... 1096 01:29:41,971 --> 01:29:43,563 ...out of this sordid mess. 1097 01:29:45,291 --> 01:29:48,283 You're mad. You'll never get away with this. 1098 01:29:48,531 --> 01:29:52,809 Yes, I will. There's such a thing as the unwritten law. 1099 01:29:53,051 --> 01:29:54,689 Goodbye, Richard. 1100 01:29:57,531 --> 01:30:01,570 -Give me another chance! -They'll give me a medal. 1101 01:30:01,811 --> 01:30:05,087 The wives of America will give me a medal! 1102 01:30:17,091 --> 01:30:21,562 Helen, I'm going fast. Give me a cigarette. 1103 01:30:21,811 --> 01:30:26,965 A cigarette! You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking. 1104 01:30:30,411 --> 01:30:32,083 A cigarette. 1105 01:30:34,771 --> 01:30:37,239 Just one more cigarette, Dr. Murphy. 1106 01:30:38,171 --> 01:30:40,287 One more for the road. 1107 01:30:40,651 --> 01:30:42,881 For the long, long road. 1108 01:30:44,931 --> 01:30:46,080 Hi. 1109 01:30:47,731 --> 01:30:51,201 -What are you doing? -I need a cigarette. 1110 01:30:51,411 --> 01:30:54,289 They're right there on the table. 1111 01:30:55,531 --> 01:30:59,080 -What's the matter with you? -I'm all shot. 1112 01:30:59,331 --> 01:31:03,290 It's because I took your bed and you slept on the couch. 1113 01:31:03,531 --> 01:31:06,250 I knew I should've taken the couch. 1114 01:31:06,491 --> 01:31:08,686 It's not the couch, it's my wife. 1115 01:31:08,931 --> 01:31:12,446 -She found out about us and shot me. -She what? 1116 01:31:12,691 --> 01:31:16,479 Five times in the back and twice in the belly. 1117 01:31:16,851 --> 01:31:19,285 You're just having a bad dream. 1118 01:31:20,211 --> 01:31:22,884 Yeah, I guess so. 1119 01:31:24,091 --> 01:31:27,367 Come on now. Everything's fine. 1120 01:31:27,651 --> 01:31:32,725 It's just my imagination. Some people have flat feet. 1121 01:31:32,971 --> 01:31:37,647 -I have this appalling imagination. -I think it's just elegant. 1122 01:31:37,891 --> 01:31:42,726 I just have no imagination at all. I have lots of other things. 1123 01:31:43,091 --> 01:31:46,686 I was standing in the kitchen. Then it occurred to me. 1124 01:31:46,931 --> 01:31:51,766 If my wife walked in with you in the shower, she'd probably shoot me. 1125 01:31:52,011 --> 01:31:54,650 Of course. If I was married... 1126 01:31:54,891 --> 01:32:00,090 ...and came in on my husband making toast for a blond, I'd shoot him. 1127 01:32:00,451 --> 01:32:03,090 -You would? -Bang, bang, bang! 1128 01:32:03,331 --> 01:32:05,083 Right in the head. 1129 01:32:06,051 --> 01:32:08,007 Come on now, relax. 1130 01:32:08,251 --> 01:32:12,039 -You're just making this all up. -That's right. 1131 01:32:12,291 --> 01:32:16,364 I don't suppose if she had come in she'd shoot me. 1132 01:32:16,611 --> 01:32:20,126 She'd be mad, maybe throw an ashtray. 1133 01:32:20,371 --> 01:32:23,602 -Just that? -She probably wouldn't even do that. 1134 01:32:23,851 --> 01:32:26,126 If she found you in the shower... 1135 01:32:26,371 --> 01:32:29,249 ...she'd probably think you were the plumber. 1136 01:32:30,211 --> 01:32:34,250 -A blond plumber? -Absolutely. She trusts me implicitly. 1137 01:32:34,491 --> 01:32:37,688 -Doesn't she love you? -Oh, she loves me. 1138 01:32:37,931 --> 01:32:39,330 She worries about me. 1139 01:32:39,571 --> 01:32:43,530 I had a cough, and she made me stop smoking. 1140 01:32:43,731 --> 01:32:46,529 -She loves me, all right. -lsn't she jealous? 1141 01:32:46,731 --> 01:32:52,761 Not really. How can anybody be jealous of somebody with a briefcase... 1142 01:32:52,971 --> 01:32:57,567 ...who's getting a little pot and can't keep his eyes open past 9? 1143 01:32:57,811 --> 01:33:01,042 She trusts me. It'd never occur to her that l... 1144 01:33:01,291 --> 01:33:05,170 Last Christmas, I came home with lipstick on my collar. 1145 01:33:05,411 --> 01:33:09,802 Helen said, "What's that on your collar, cranberry sauce?" 1146 01:33:11,171 --> 01:33:15,722 -That's bad. -You know who kissed me? Mrs. Brady. 1147 01:33:15,971 --> 01:33:20,010 Face it, no pretty girl wants me, she wants Gregory Peck. 1148 01:33:20,251 --> 01:33:23,926 Is that so? How do you know what a pretty girl wants? 1149 01:33:24,171 --> 01:33:26,207 I don't know, but I imagine... 1150 01:33:26,451 --> 01:33:30,126 Your imagination! You think every girl's a dope. 1151 01:33:30,371 --> 01:33:34,364 You think a girl goes to a party and there's some guy... 1152 01:33:34,611 --> 01:33:38,126 ...in a fancy striped vest strutting around... 1153 01:33:38,371 --> 01:33:42,842 ...giving you that I'm-so-handsome- you-can't-resist-me look. 1154 01:33:43,091 --> 01:33:46,367 From this she's supposed to fall flat on her face. 1155 01:33:46,611 --> 01:33:49,364 Well, she doesn't fall on her face. 1156 01:33:50,491 --> 01:33:54,609 But there's another guy in the room, over in the corner. 1157 01:33:54,851 --> 01:33:58,400 Maybe he's nervous and shy and perspiring a little. 1158 01:33:58,651 --> 01:34:00,562 First, you look past him. 1159 01:34:00,811 --> 01:34:05,407 But then you sense that he's gentle and kind and worried. 1160 01:34:05,651 --> 01:34:10,247 That he'll be tender with you, nice and sweet. 1161 01:34:10,611 --> 01:34:13,364 That's what's really exciting. 1162 01:34:16,531 --> 01:34:20,570 If I were your wife, I'd be very jealous of you. 1163 01:34:21,171 --> 01:34:24,163 I'd be very, very jealous. 1164 01:34:29,931 --> 01:34:32,399 I think you're just elegant. 1165 01:34:34,451 --> 01:34:35,964 Thank you. 1166 01:34:37,371 --> 01:34:39,009 Aren't you going to answer it? 1167 01:34:39,251 --> 01:34:41,970 -Answer what? -The doorbell. 1168 01:34:43,011 --> 01:34:46,162 Go ahead, I'll put the cinnamon on the toast. 1169 01:34:59,011 --> 01:35:01,400 Tom MacKenzie! 1170 01:35:01,691 --> 01:35:04,683 -Morning, Dickie-boy. -What are you doing here? 1171 01:35:04,931 --> 01:35:08,719 -Don't call me "Dickie-boy." -Got a date with my agent. 1172 01:35:08,971 --> 01:35:11,121 -ls that coffee I smell? -No. 1173 01:35:11,371 --> 01:35:16,206 I'm glad I caught you. We've got important family business to discuss. 1174 01:35:16,451 --> 01:35:20,080 -Are you sure that's not coffee? -Positive. My family? 1175 01:35:20,331 --> 01:35:24,688 I was driving down and Helen asked me to stop by and ask you... 1176 01:35:24,931 --> 01:35:27,923 She did? I'm glad she did... 1177 01:35:28,171 --> 01:35:30,321 ...because I wanna talk to you. 1178 01:35:30,571 --> 01:35:33,404 What's the matter, Dickie-boy? 1179 01:35:33,651 --> 01:35:38,042 You think you're pretty fancy with the blinkers on the horses. 1180 01:35:38,291 --> 01:35:40,600 What blinkers? What horses? 1181 01:35:40,851 --> 01:35:44,048 And no driver and no other people. 1182 01:35:44,291 --> 01:35:47,442 -You drunk or something? -No, I'm not drunk. 1183 01:35:47,691 --> 01:35:52,048 -You took Helen on a hayride. -No, in fact, I didn't. 1184 01:35:52,291 --> 01:35:56,000 She went with the other people. And it was like a bus. 1185 01:35:56,251 --> 01:35:59,721 -That's your story. -I have terrible hay fever. 1186 01:35:59,971 --> 01:36:02,485 I've had it ever since the Army. 1187 01:36:02,731 --> 01:36:07,282 This doctor took a wad of cotton. He went in and down... 1188 01:36:07,531 --> 01:36:11,922 In and down. "Inwardly, downwardly pulsating! 1189 01:36:12,171 --> 01:36:17,245 Now together, ending and unending! Now, now!" I know all about it. 1190 01:36:17,491 --> 01:36:19,083 -You're drunk. -Get out! 1191 01:36:19,331 --> 01:36:22,482 -lf Helen sent you to get a divorce... -Divorce? 1192 01:36:22,731 --> 01:36:24,961 I absolutely refuse! 1193 01:36:25,211 --> 01:36:29,284 -She sent me for the paddle. -I'll fight it in every court! 1194 01:36:29,531 --> 01:36:33,410 I can explain the stairs, the blond in the kitchen. 1195 01:36:33,651 --> 01:36:38,566 -Wait, what blond in the kitchen? -Wouldn't you like to know? 1196 01:36:38,811 --> 01:36:40,961 Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe! 1197 01:36:41,531 --> 01:36:45,001 Blind, stinking drunk at 8:30 in the morning! 1198 01:36:45,251 --> 01:36:49,563 I'll get six lawyers, I'll bribe judges, but no divorce! 1199 01:36:49,811 --> 01:36:53,281 Listen to me. Helen does not want a divorce! 1200 01:36:53,531 --> 01:36:57,126 All she wants is Ricky's paddle! 1201 01:36:58,411 --> 01:37:02,165 -Ricky's paddle? -The other kids are out on the lake. 1202 01:37:02,411 --> 01:37:07,166 But Ricky has to stay on the dock. You wouldn't send his paddle! 1203 01:37:07,411 --> 01:37:11,768 If anybody is gonna take Ricky's paddle back... 1204 01:37:12,011 --> 01:37:13,729 ...l'm gonna take it back. 1205 01:37:13,971 --> 01:37:16,849 And I've got a good mind to punch you. 1206 01:37:17,091 --> 01:37:20,128 -Why? -Because you're a big lunk. 1207 01:37:20,371 --> 01:37:24,728 Strutting around in your vest with that I'm-so-handsome look. 1208 01:37:24,971 --> 01:37:29,249 -Let me tell you, Helen loves me. -Sure, she loves you! 1209 01:37:29,491 --> 01:37:33,848 She loves me because I'm sweet and gentle and worried... 1210 01:37:34,091 --> 01:37:37,128 ...and nervous and shy and tender! 1211 01:37:45,811 --> 01:37:47,403 Breakfast is ready. 1212 01:37:49,771 --> 01:37:52,843 -Anybody you know? -Meet Tom MacKenzie. 1213 01:37:53,091 --> 01:37:56,288 -How do you do? -He came for Ricky's paddle. 1214 01:37:56,531 --> 01:38:00,888 -I'm taking it to him. -ls this a good time to pick up the...? 1215 01:38:01,131 --> 01:38:04,441 -I wish I was dead. -Wait a minute, Kruhulik. 1216 01:38:04,691 --> 01:38:08,127 If you wanna pick up something, pick up this. 1217 01:38:08,371 --> 01:38:11,090 What do you want me to do with him? 1218 01:38:11,331 --> 01:38:16,007 I don't care. Put him in mothballs. Just get him out of here. 1219 01:38:16,251 --> 01:38:19,482 Boy, I'm telling you, lug the fat poodle... 1220 01:38:19,731 --> 01:38:22,768 ...lug the tomato plant, now lug this. 1221 01:38:23,011 --> 01:38:27,368 I'll be glad when the wives get home and things settle down. 1222 01:38:28,611 --> 01:38:32,001 The 8:47, I can still make the 8:47. 1223 01:38:32,251 --> 01:38:34,606 I can't stay for breakfast, I'm sorry. 1224 01:38:34,851 --> 01:38:36,728 Don't ever be sorry. 1225 01:38:36,971 --> 01:38:39,610 Do me a favor. Call Brady and Company. 1226 01:38:39,851 --> 01:38:45,244 Tell Mr. Brady I'm taking two weeks off, whether he likes it or not. 1227 01:38:46,571 --> 01:38:50,007 Why don't you stay here? You've got your own duplex. 1228 01:38:50,251 --> 01:38:53,288 Big, tall martinis, air conditioning. 1229 01:38:53,531 --> 01:38:57,570 -Thank you. -Well, I guess that's all. 1230 01:38:58,171 --> 01:39:00,162 -Just one more thing. -What? 1231 01:39:00,371 --> 01:39:03,090 I have a message for your wife. 1232 01:39:10,971 --> 01:39:12,689 Don't wipe it off. 1233 01:39:12,891 --> 01:39:15,007 If she thinks it's cranberries... 1234 01:39:15,211 --> 01:39:18,647 ...tell her she's got cherry pits in her head. 1235 01:39:20,531 --> 01:39:21,759 Wait! 1236 01:39:28,331 --> 01:39:29,764 Hey! 1237 01:40:04,411 --> 01:40:05,400 Ripped by thewildbunch22 1238 01:40:05,571 --> 01:40:06,287 FKprod2002